Posted by Barbara Cat on March 30, 2003, at 13:51:02
In reply to Re: Adding, substracting, wishing and hoping » Barbara Cat, posted by Ponder on March 29, 2003, at 17:35:48
My first experience with TCA's was Elavil for a very short time and I hated the side effects and stopped. Next, I was on surmontil, a TCA, back in the early 80's. I did very well on it and then Deseryl came out mid 80's and the pdoc I was seeing at the time thought it was a more effective drug. I did OK on it, but all day drowsyness was a problem so when Prozac came out, that's what I was put on and it's been off and on SSRI/SNRI's ever since, with a few spells of no meds. I have classic Bipolar-II reactions from SSRIs, they work right away, tho with hyperness. Then they don't work at all and increases put into mixed states. When my pdoc suggested a TCA, I though 'oh, that's so yesterday!', but triptyline has been the best so far. It's only since Feb so we'll see.
About Moms, I also had a very close, very loving, very problematic relationship with her. Going home was always so mixed because of good and horrible memories. There's nothing that can prepared you for the emotional spiritual spin when she dies, it will be like nothing you can even imagine. My experience as I was going through it was unbelievably sacred, miraculous, raw, open tenderness and total love and appreciation for this person who had been so close and loved me so much. It was simply mindblowing and I felt like I had been initiated into a powerful group of those who had lost their mothers and are no longer the same person anymore.
Oh, if we could just stay open that way. It was the coming back home and dealing with the financial part, reading the coroner's report, the ongoing legal situation (she was hit by a man who was partially blind), knowing that I will never, ever be loved so completely by anyone again, the realization that not only did I lose a mother, but a whole culture, a town, the East Coast, and feeling that my childhood was indeed over and could never be recaptured. It all felt like major loss and knocked me down. But with that came the shift that yes, my childhood is over, and now it's time to get on with the rest of life. I also have a sense of ease that she's very much OK where she is and I no longer have to worry about her living alone, if she's well, is she happy. I get to go back in April again and finish up moving out and the internment, so I'll be real glad when it's just over and done with.
poster:Barbara Cat
thread:208531
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030329/msgs/214442.html