Posted by strider on July 16, 2003, at 23:00:30
In reply to love my topamax, posted by ravenx on July 16, 2003, at 21:31:58
Hi. The prospect of maybe having a cyclothymic disorder is all new to me. Didn't even know the term until to-day, but it maybe fits for me and would be a relief to know what has been going on for what seems like forever. So, if you don't mind, let me lay some of my stuff out there and maybe someone can give me some feedback.
I seem to cycle from high to lows on a quite regular 8 day round trip (4 days up, then 4 days down). This regularity has been going on the last 4 yrs, ever since I got seriously stressed out in my personal and business life and became very depressed for about 4 months (feelings of suicide, low self esteem etc). Prior to that I seem to have been alternately quiet and sad, then charming, happy and effusive for most of my adult life. Work wise, I haven't had a job that has lasted longer than 18 months in the last 25 years...I always seem to have a falling out that makes me think I'm working with a bunch of idiots and so leave. My cycling over the last 4 yrs is utterly exhausting, yet have been back to university to re-train where I topped my faculty and have now got a very responsible role working on National projects mostly because I constantly come up with pretty good ideas when I'm up (mind you, I then feel incapable of enacting them when I'm down). Because I cycle so rapidly, I am always trying to catch up with my work, needing to do 8 days work in 4 days. Come to think of it, that is why I left the last two jobs....I just burn't out.
I was put on Prozac after the depressive episode, but I'm very anti-drug, and so after about 10 days stopped taking it...it made me too flat. I felt like a zombie and couldn't get into anything...like skindiving with a lifejacket on, I just couldn't get below the surface.
My family life broke up 5 yrs ago...my choice to leave, as all the bad stuff just seemed to keep on repeating. It didn't occur until now, that maybe I had something wrong with me.
I'm anti-drugs because I fear losing the up side of being me, when I feel just wonderful and have plans aplenty, communicate well with people, and life is great. To substitute I have tried doing things that seem to calm the lows, like going hiking or working in the garden.
My current social life under this cycling regime is utter madness. I vary between being highly promiscuous and then not wanting to see anybody at all. At the bottom of my lows, my mind feels like it is jammed full of static..like an internal pressure. On top of the highs, my mind works like a well tuned Ferrari.
All in all, what goes on with me rules my entire life and stops me from having stable relationships and a regular career. Financially, I have alternated from 'doing very well' to then not working for 3 months and blowing lots of dough...to trying to re-build shattered finances once more.
The crazy thing is that I am so good at appearing normal to folks around me. Easy enough to do because I can take myself off at the worst times.I have read the message boards and notice that a lot of the talk concerns drugs and dosage levels. I guess I would use them if they worked for me, however, has anyone had success with non-drug routines?
thanks.....
strider.
poster:strider
thread:242726
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030714/msgs/242743.html