Posted by katia on August 6, 2003, at 2:23:45
In reply to Re: Med free and misdirect » katia, posted by Barbara Cat on August 5, 2003, at 22:52:04
Hi Barbara,
Yes, I have finally realized that within myself - at least I did last summer when I was in "hell" - that I cannot do this without medication. That no matter what "healing" modality I choose or try won't work unless I'm getting chemical help from medication - at least for a good long time.Prior to starting the medication last summer, every second was eternal hell for me. I had completely lost my mind - howling on the floor, making noises I've never heard before, crawling from the bed to bathroom and it taking one hour, marking myself with my fingernails, crying crying crying. And in the midst of these three intense months, I listened to so many tapes, i.e. Ram Dass's lectures/talks, The Power of Now - Tolle, and Pema Chondron's "When Things Fall Apart".
I was doing everything I could to stay present during this misery and transform out of it. Cognitively, I have no idea if I moved/transformed anything, or if things could be worse now, but nothing seems to have moved things for me like addressing that I have a mood disorder and need chemical help.
On one hand, depression/bipolar has been absolute hell and it's been a driving force for me to investigate all healing modalities, finally ending with meds. but it seems to have been an impetus for a tough spiritual journey/opening as well.
As with the soul retrieval and everything else I've done - maybe on some level it will help and synergistically move/transform things in me.
know what I mean?
have a good holiday!
Katia> Hi Katia,
> We're leaving in the morning so here I am instead of packing (bleagh!). I'm so sorry to hear about your downturn. It must be disappointing when you were hoping differently. We just have a chemical disorder, plain and simple. Sometimes I accept it and am grateful for the meds and not living in times when we'd be begging for alms or thrown in Bedlam. Other times I try every new thing I can't afford to find that key that's going to unlock it all for me. But no matter what esoteria I try, it doesn't stick if I don't address the chemical imbalance first.
>
> Yes, I've done soul retrieval. It helped me understand how and when I became fragmented and split off through fear as a young girl. It was a very good thing, but no, it didn't cure me and the nice effects lasted only a short time. But it was good information and I'm glad I did it. I've been in the company of some very high realized beings on this planet and they too have very dark times. Every one of them has gone through hell and back and still has to deal with intense pain. That seems to be the way it is here - the place we've chosen to come to learn those things that only our life experiences can teach us. The difference with these people is that they don't get stuck in it and just let the fear and anxiety blow through them. They quickly get back to centerpoint. Their presence is one of calm accepting joy instead of blissed out instability. Oh, that's how I long to be (there's that craving again), to just be with it and honor whatever reason it's happening, stop the frantic running from it and just LET GO. And even the desire for all that has to be let go of as well. You live in the Now and do what needs to get done in the Now. But, jeez, it's hard to remember, especially in the midst of a panic attack. Hope it doesn't take another lifetime cause I don't wanna come back here!
>
> You ask 'what is happiness, anyway'. Well, I do know that it's not the ecstacy we crave. Ecstacy and bliss and happy HAPPY! are the polar opposites of despair and depression. The pull/push of desire/rejection for either state sets us off into a spin that keeps the cycle going. It's the craving for happiness that's actually the cause of unhappiness. I think that the key is to develop that calm clear center, the witnessing presence that observes the play and holds the center without getting lost in either polarity. The spiritual teachings help me alot. I shore up on them when I'm feeling good and I may some day be able to just sit with the shit, but until then, I give up. I need meds cause I don't know how to do it on my own.
>
> I really do encourage you to try the soul retrieval. If you work with the right person, it will help you greatly, as long as you don't expect it to be a miracle cure. But then again, who knows? I have considered going to Lourdes... - Barbara
poster:katia
thread:9730
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030802/msgs/248497.html