Posted by Peter on August 30, 2003, at 5:22:34
In reply to Re: FEEL COMATOSE, posted by Jasmine Neroli on August 30, 2003, at 0:12:28
Hi Jasmine:
You're ccompletely right. There probably is an element of dependency with me on the the ole' adderall. I guess I am scared of destabilizing myself further by constantly switching dosing (takingh adderall, not taking it) and falling into a pit of depression, since, as you know, those are horrendous. In fact, when I DID fall into deep depression after I gave into my anxieties and cancelled the trip, I took an extra 1/2 pill of adderall to try to help me somewhat feel a little better. What differentiates this from true addiction, though (since I am very familiar with that - cocaine, heroine,->rehab, etc.), is that I am not 'craving' the adderall; at the time it seemed to be my only choice to get me out of my deep depression and help me function instead of lying in bed the rest of the day. I'm much more 'looking forward' to taking something that will help me function, like an SSRI, than continuing adderall. But I still am wary of stopping it cold turkey for the next 3 days - I'm still unsure as to whether taking it Monday, Wednesday, and Friday the week before last followed by Tuesday-Friday this past week is enough to warrant a taper off of it or if I would be able to stop it cold. There's also the issue that I have a history with this med - I used to take it for 6months or more in a row, and I don't know if my neurotransmitters are sensitized to it or something - i.e. I'd have withdrawal even if on it for a shorter time like I've been?
Regardless, the extra 5mg that I took on Thursday in my deep depressive episode did nothing but make me more exhausted. This is the first time I've taken adderall without a mood stabilizer or antidepressant, and it seems as though my reactions to it are very indicative to an ADDers reaction to a stimulant - it calms me. I have a feeling that, even though many (including myself) consider 20mg to be a small dose, it is effecting me in the opposite way a stimulant should - sometimes it gives me a bit of energy, but most of the time it calms me and makes me withdrawn and numb. Who knows, maybe without all the other meds to buffer it, this might be too HIGH a dose of adderall this time around; or it might be the fact that it's combined with high-dose klonopin' or it might have something to do with the fact that every since I was a little kid medications would have the exact OPPOSITE effect on me than they were supposed to. (in terms of sedation/stimulation) Dramamine or something if I was given when ill on a plane would make me yell and scream and run around. I don't know if that kinda stuff stays with you thru adulthood, but I sure am experiencing a non-stimulating effect from a stimulant. On the other hand, it calms me down unlike a sedative like klonopin. The feeling I;ve been getting from adderall is one of apathy and numbness - like I just don't care, which in turn takes a way my self-consciousness - this is all sort of a nice break from overthinking everything and driving myself nuts. But I'm quite sure nonethless that it isn't a good med for me - when vacation's over and I begin to deal with responsibilities, etc., I'm gonna need to feel and react, etc. True my pdoc gets back on the 2nd, but I wasn't able to get a session with him until the 11th. Maybe I can geta sort of 'emergency' 5 minute conversation with him on the 2nd, because if he decides on any larger treatment moves (AD, mood stabilizer), then I'd have to have scripts shipped to me here and THEN once I begin whatever it is, it'll take ages from THAT point to start working. And you know I've been holding on to a thread these past few weeks. So the real immediate decision is whether to stay on the adderall until I talk to him, and, if not, whether to just stop it cold or taper it. See? I'm oerthinking everything again. At least the adderall would make me nice and empty-headed and boring(-:
I should have just gone on that trip with my brother, and I actually found another cheap flight (like $59!) if I left with him tonight (though I didn't tell him because I'm afraid to get him psyched and then have my anxiety kick in and ditch the whole thing again). But the reason I was thinking of going is just to have 2 days (especially appropriate before in these last few days before my pdoc gets back) of having my mind directed 'outside' of myself.
The only potential problem, which I didn't mention, and which I'm sure increased my struggle decided whether to go a few days ago, is where we'd be going: guess? Amsterdam! My brother happens to be a huge pot head, and I even used to enjoy going there with him. But is it worth my smoking myself silly to the point where I'll be all burnt out and it will be more confusing for my pdoc to assess the next move? Also, there was the anxiety factor - of having a panick attack while there, etc. What's better? staying here, isolated, comatose but comfortably numb on adderall or stopping the adderall completely and going to Amsterdam and smoking and exploring with my brother. Or, thirdly, staying here, dropping the adderall, feeling exhausted, uncreative, and preoccupied with treatment until I speak to my pdoc? Haha! These seem to be my options(-: And on top of all this is the creepy thought that I have an underlying bipolar disorder that is really getting worked up beneath everything; for instance, maybe the reason the adderall has been effecting me so inconsistently is because I am having bipolar cycles beneath the adderall 'band-aid,' and I'm blaming the adderall itself. Does that make any sense? In which case, if all my 'peripheral' syndromes are driven and exacerbated by my bipolar syndrome, I dont want to end up in Amsterdam freaking out (in a bad way). Whatever, I sense a return of good old generalized anxiety. Perhaps I should just play it safe and stay here until I talk to Dr. Richard Dreyfuss.
Peter
p.s-I compose jazz and modern chamber music, and I play jazz and classical piano (but am more adept at jazz piano, as that's what I record on albums, etc.).
poster:Peter
thread:255023
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030828/msgs/255585.html