Posted by octiigon on November 13, 2003, at 6:08:03
After reading one of the earlier posts.... They mentioned a feeling that is somewhat related to having your heart broken. I had that for years..... But I finally found a way to escape.
It's easier to explain the reasons why aka factors contributing to my conditions.
1. I saw my mother abused from the ages 0-4. Also was verbally abused at this time.
2. My confused father had a leash around my neck, and would continuously emotionally, mentally, and ocassionally physically abuse me when I tried to stray.
3. I was abused for a year and a half (on a continual basis) physically and emotionally by my step-father.
4. My heart was basically completely shattered after having a near-marital relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. It wasn't fun having everything turned back towards you- and almost landed me in a mental ward.
I eventually hit a "breaking point" where I was sick of feeling like I did. After several suicide attempts... and a couple of years of being a lab rat to ssri's, panic disorder med's, etc, I decided to get better or end up in a mental institution the rest of my life, I was to that point. I was becoming more Catatonic by the day, hours seemed to pass by like seconds. The only thing that seemed to make me realize what was happening was when my parents told me the way I was behaving.
I then realized something was wrong, and admitted it, so I checked myself into a therapist. I also checked myself into a psychiatrist. I had been on Klonapin at that point for aprox. a year. I had been on Paxil earlier that year, but I hated it.
Eventually they decided to put me on Lexapro. I was on it for one month when the psychiatrist decided to double the dose, due to my suicidal attitude. I had no other choice.
As soon as I was put on Lexapro, I was told I had to get off of Klonapin ASAP. They gave me a limited amount.... and then I was basically screwed. I had to quit cold turkey, otherwise I would just keep on poppin those pills to drown away the pain.
For a few months it felt like someone had taken a screwdriver, shoved it into my head, and mushed it around like an egg beater. It didn't help me in college at all. Not to mention I was getting those consecutive panic attacks several times a day again, a minimum of 10 per day. Shortly after this I decided to quit cold turkey of Lexapro, I decided it wasn't helping me.
After the withdrawals went away I began to feel something, being alive. The world very quickly began to piss me off more and more, untill it fueled in me the strength to change and realize that I was the one in control of what I feel. I could choose to be depressed or move on. I could reflect forever on things that really don't matter anymore, and never enjoy life.
After realizing these things, I began to more and more realize that in a sense, the world is a dream, and you can do anything you want to do. Once you break free, and throw away your chains, you can soar through life doing what you want to do. Yes, there will be set-backs, depressive stages, but these are normal feelings. I think that we dwell so much on the anxiety and depression so much, it has a snowballing effect in that it just gets worse and worse untill we collapse under the weight of it. Depression can be a vital tool to what you do though, if you harness and focus it's energies in someway's (especially creatively) it's a strength to know what it had/does feel like.Best of wishes to all of you who suffer.
I know the worst of it, the very feeling
of going mad. Even worse, knowing there
is nothing you can do to stop it.
Stay strong & break free.
poster:octiigon
thread:279295
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20031111/msgs/279295.html