Posted by AMD on December 30, 2003, at 12:40:49
Folks,
I have been on and off lithium for about a month. It seems to be OK for the first day or so, but then I start feeling like a zombie, and stop taking it. My brain just starts to shut down.
Anyhow, after not having taken it for some weeks, I took 300 mg Friday and Saturday morning, and Saturday night went out with some friends to a club, and had a few drinks. I realize drinking and lithium don't mix -- you have to be careful -- but is there anything to worry about for that one night? I had had 600mg total in two days, so I didn't think it would hurt to hang out and party a bit (these days I go out only once or twice a month). To compound the problem, I had been smoking some cigars, which got my mind racing a little, so I popped another 300 mg that night (while still under the influence of alcohol). Would I /know/ if I had lithium toxicity? Is it permanent or fatal?
Anyhow, this point may be moot now -- after two further days at 600mg a day, I started feeling tired, and mentally blunted again. So I didn't take my pill last night or this morning. I also quit Celexa Thursday, and I think I'm just going to not take ANYTHING for the next few weeks, and see how I feel. All I know is that since I began taking Lithium, I've had alternating days of feeling tired, or extremely anxious (almost short of breath), foggy-brained, obsessed, unhappy, dull.... not a single day that I just 'lived' without the felling of not being myself. The Celexa since then has also been ineffective: instead of making me calmer and able to concentrate, I started waking up every morning with my mind and heart racing. (This while off the lithium.) I am soooo frustrated. I also have a job offer for a major high-tech firm, and now I'm worried that I won't be able to handle it (the first time I've ever felt that way about anything, ever!).
I am so fed up with this stuff. I'm markedly better than two months ago, when I 'crashed', but I am not 100%.
An entry from my journal for today:
About two weeks following my most recent foray back into the 'club' scene, I found myself again in the thick of New York regressiveness: Gauloises, a cigar, and half a dozen vodka and Redbulls. Unlike last time, however, my thoughts were not tinged with guilt after I'd sipped that first drink. On the contrary, I found myself in the awkward place of feeling overly alert amongst a group of half-drunk 20-somethings. That led me to drink faster, more heavily -- to drink with what I would call 'controlled abandon,' consciously seeking drunkenness, while drunkenly seeking consciousness. I didn't overdo it. But I did get intoxicated, and near the end of the night had felt myself slipping into the "no-cares" zone.
The next day I woke up anxious -- mildly hungover, for sure, but more disturbed by the anticipation of feeling (mentally) hindered than by any actual hinderance. It seems half the problem of depression is I spent most of the day, in fact, reviewing new vocabulary words -- need a definition of obdurate? badinage? salubrious? quotidian? I've got it! -- reading up on schizophrenia and brain regions (basal ganglia, anyone? occipital lobe?), and contemplating the imminent decline of my cognitive faculties. I read an article by Roger Avery in the Times, with a coinage I'll keep: temporary proximity. Or, better, temporal circularity -- as each of my days, though distinct, seems to simply be a mental rehash of the others. WHEN WILL I RECOVER MY CONFIDENCE, MY ENERGIES AND ENTHUSIASM FOR LIFE?
Drug wise, I started up the Li on Thursday morning -- taking one per day Thursday and Friday -- and then bumped it up to bid on Saturday. Monday I started to feel 'zonked' again, so I've quit it again -- for now. The mental blunting it causes is by far more distressing than what it is supposely helping. I've also finally quit Celexa. We'll see how this goes: a life without AD's!
AMD
poster:AMD
thread:294682
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20031225/msgs/294682.html