Posted by PsychoSage on February 13, 2004, at 13:13:44
In reply to Re: Provigil » PsychoSage, posted by Smithfrau on February 13, 2004, at 12:04:35
> > I hope that happens to me. I feel so guilty for living like a basketcase. My life before mental illness was about striving, curiosity, achieving, and hard work. Now I wish I can just read a news article and understand what it means. I don't want to be paralyzed by racing thoughts and loops in my mind. I'll keep posting abut how I am feeling and doing.
>
> By all means, keep posting: it will help you feel less alone. I know about life before and after this illness. I had a full National Merit Scholarship to U of Michigan and got my MS at Columbia. Worked in my field against all odds for twenty years, while the illness got worse and worse. Finally a p-doc who was head of a prestigious hospital's psychiatric program told me he thought I needed to file for disability or I would destroy myself. Three weeks later the disability was okayed. I don't say that with pride, quite the reverse, but I do think it saved my life. My nearest sibling had killed himself some years ago, and I was headed there.
>
> As to being a basketcase, please try not to judge yourself so harshly: it will only harm you. I like to believe that I work as hard in managing my illness as I ever did in my career. I am super-compliant about meds, although my current p-doc and I have tried eveything in the field: we keep trying. I also belive in faith and trust. Not in the sense of religion, but in fighting to retain optimism. I should also mention that my husband is a rock; I don't know where he gets his patience. I see my p-doc every week and we see a family therapist every week too. I am also followed by a case manager from a local psychiatric facility. I feel I do my part and that is super-important.
>
> I wish you the best. Write all you want, up or down, or questions.
>
> sincerely,
>
> Smithfrau
>
>
Thanks for personalizing your response with some color and volume. I have been on leave from UPenn {undergrad} every other year for what seems forever. Zyprexa knocked me out of my last comeback which began relatively promising. During my last time there I was happy to have a little work-study job again and to have some purpose. I worked in the office of a very prominent psych professor for his grad students and secretary. I miss the environment. I have been exorcising demons in the meantime. Fortunately, I've had an appalling string of victories over substance abuse this time around. However, I am still mad at Zyprexa. I am mad at my choice to take it after a substitute doctor at school psych services convinced me before the fall of 02. I became stubborn, and I stuck with it. I gained 35 pounds in 6 weeks, and I began to sleep 10 hours a day. I still insisted I could get by, but I was delusional about Zyprexa ironically. Up to now I just haven't mustered up the courage to finish my incompletes and return. I have two puny papers, but this is my recurrent roadblock. I have used the "w" to move on before, but I have so many that I can not utilize that option. The final paper is my nemesis.I am trying provigil in an attempt to light my gas stove. I realize that other issues and compulsions aside from substances have impeded me during my comeback in 2002 and to this day. My condition before Zyprexa in 2002 was one of weak academic stamina, but I wanted to change that through working through a full course load. I want to build some strength now, and unfortunately, I think I need some scripts to help in this area of life. In the mean time, I am still untangling my life's mess, but it is time to make some moves. My friends are in grad school or have well-paying jobs which as symbols remind of the work I haven't completed. I have one more year after I return. It's really important to me that I reach a state where I know I am working hard for many days and weeks and months without worrying excessively about the outcome. That is more important because that leads to the outcome and that is the reward really. I can't get the engine started though.
poster:PsychoSage
thread:312364
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040210/msgs/312874.html