Posted by adam canada on March 6, 2004, at 1:35:55
guys i have felt so bad starting tuesday night it has almost landed me in the hospital. such severe depression, burning head pains (THANK GOD THEY gone now at this moment), and strange anxiety. for the first time in like 2 years i have cried to my grandma telling her how bad i felt. like real desperate. end of the line desperate. like how on earth can i live like this for the next few weeks. as the pain is so strong to accompany the complete lack of motivation and lack of interest/joy in anything.
but. to my very slight relief. and i am trully scared what tomorrow may bring... i am a little better at this late hour. 2:11am.
in the last few days my depression turned from controllable and functionable to me wanting to sleep all the time, sluggish, no motiv for anything, all plans to get together with any ppl put aside, telling any ppl i may be gone for a while due to going to hospital possibly, inability to enjoy things, god and even hard to do most basic functions! like wash my hair. everything would put so much fear and anxiety into me. everything being so laboured. lack of appetite too. severe crying fits. etc.
i guess it's good to repeat it for anyone who didnt read my last message.
so i been sleeping a lot and in bed a lot and severe hot pains etc etc.but today has been a bit of a relief. could it be because i didnt take nearly as much ativan today as previous days? i took 1/3 of .5mg in morning. and 1/4 of .5mg at 6:22pm. soon after i would be in bed wanting to sleep!
it doesnt seem uncommon for ativan to make depression worse.
some questions... one of which is... what can i expect from dropping ativan? i plan to take 1/5 of a pill if i somehow become to feel horrendous. but it seems ativan keeps bringing back the head pains! hottt pains. yet if i go without it i may not feel great anyway but hopefully that is nonsense. cause i remember a few weeks back i tried to go with almost no ativan and i just didnt feel right and quite bad, and as if head pains where there despite not taking it. i dunno.
also i am increasing my paxil. is it uncommon to feel slightly better after just taking paxil? like a small increased amount? 10mg up to 12.5mg? that is what i did at 12:05am. i guess it could be coincidence as my mental situation goes up and down a lot! it makes it hard to tell what med could be doing what.
what are some ativan experiences here? what about paxil?
any insight into anything would be appreciated. i am in relief to be out of those terrible hot pains but my dep is much like it was the last few days. little to no motiv to do things. and deffinetly little to no motiv to meet anyone. and to think i was getting excited the past week about meeting a nice girl. i was gonna see her tomorrow. saturday. then my severe depression comes back so hard that i havent felt so bad in 2 years! I THOUGHT i was going to be functionably okay! i never felt too good unless it was from dexedrine added on. but i felt livable. able to do certain things. still hating my condition but it wasnt so bad as to the point of thinking u dont have a future! that u may have to end up killing yourself! cause god did i feel that way in the worst moments. i am curious as to see what tomorrow brings. i got my ohip today. plan to see doctor real soon. and god i hope it is one who understands and believes in gee outlandish concepts such as ssri's making some people's depressions worse. god is that just so unrealistic? you could pour your heart out to some of these doctors and they just dont have a clue. i hope i get a good one this time.
i am gonna try and stay away from ativan. and people say it is very addictive. i guess it is. i tried to get off it before. and it seemed extremely hard. i need to fight the urge to take it as it may be what has recently been ruining my mental health. the hot pains are too much to bare.
i really dont know what to say. also... this has been caused mainly by accutane. 3 years ago. i just dont like mentioning it because some people seem to think such a connection is just so impossible... whatever.
i just want to give as much detail as possible. cause if anyone can give me any insight or experiences on those two meds i am currently on it would be greatly appreciated.i havent posted on this board in 2 years or less perhaps. because i didnt need to. i was able to live my life to some degree! I hope i am better again in the next few weeks! i want my small life back! it was better than nothing!
thanks to everyone. and god what a relief it is to even be able to type. have any of you felt sometimes that u are in so much pain that it is even hard to type... you try to type but it takes so long... and u are hurting so much. and u keep making typos... i am just relieved to be able to do such simple things without such pain as i have in the past few days. i am hoping for a better tomorrow. one that isnt any worse than how i feel at this very moment. as it is nice to at least be able to stay out of bed from not wanting to sleep all the time! and god the anxiety would get so strange and mental pain that i would fear going online! fear getting up. so strange. fear of doing anything. but yes thank god it is better in the sense that at least the new anxiety (a kind i never experiences until 2 years ago) is less, and hot pains gone at this moment. just very big dep left.
here's hoping higher paxil and lower ativan is what i need. what can i expect from this kind of change?
please respond anyone if you have anything to comment at all. i would not have been able to write a letter like this earlier. god am i curious about tomorrow.... hopeful, fearful.also someone suggested salmon oil and fatty acids. i can try those in near future i suppose. assuming they dont mix bad with anything. well take care everyone. please respond. i am just grateful to be alive. but i dunno if i can even say that. as i am not enjoying anything but that excrutiating pain is not there at least.
poster:adam canada
thread:320992
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040304/msgs/320992.html