Posted by snapper on June 20, 2004, at 17:42:00
hey everyone, I am in need of some general support.....it is sooooo hard trying to cope with this constant full body anxiety. its the anxiety and not the depression that makes me feel suicidal. I just want my brain to shut off. For those of you who know some of my history ...I have had 2 successful ect treatments.... this previous wed and friday. I am tense as hell when I go in and tense with a triple migraine when I come out. My dr. keeps saying he wants to treat the depression separate from my anxiety and I understand that to a degree but I just don't know if he knows how miserable and suicidal feeling I am. I don't really want to die but am afraid this how it is going to be and this is certainly no way to live life.... inside, alone, isolated and seems like full body panic, head , chest , arms and legs are numb, my head is in a pressure cooker and it feels like its' going to explode at any minute. 4 to 5 hrs of Ambien induced sleep is about the only relief I seem to get from this beast. It hurts me to see 'normal ' people going out and about and carrying on with thier lives in a way like all is fine, is frustrating! They're normal, they can go out in public and have fun - not me I'm a basketcase who needs near constant reassurance that something bad won't happen to me or my family. I wish I did'nt worry about 'everything'. Sometimes I wonder if it is'nt my destiny; to suffer horribly then die! I wish I could get involved outside of my world but it seems like there are toooo many emotional triggers that just make me feel worse and ultimately more hopless and out of control. I am so anxious that I avoid picking up the telephone for fear that someone might *ask* how am I doing?I don't know if id lie or not!My family is here and very supportive but sometimes i feel like they are going to have *enough* of me and send me away. Even the normal things like a good movie or certain music is not comforting. I honestly think I would be better off if God would just take me in my sleep. I can't talk right, breath right or even spell words most of the time. My brain just says no! It is so very frustrating and so very sad that my life is over. any input welcomed!
snapper
poster:snapper
thread:358384
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040614/msgs/358384.html