Posted by platinumbride on July 19, 2004, at 13:20:13
In reply to Re: Suicide looming large..., posted by SLS on July 17, 2004, at 14:15:35
((((((((kittencat))))))
I think those of us who have been there, or are there now DO understand. I read your post and saw a lot of myself in it.
I was hospitalized 3 years ago after a suicide attempt. I had no insurance, and I had to declare bankruptcy when I got the bill. I didn't care. I figured I would be killing myself soon after that anyway.
But when I got a good med combo that gave me some remission time, I thought to myself that I have 2 minds - the regular mind and the suicidal mind. The suicidal mind sees suicide as the solution for every problem -either internal or external. The regular mind seeks solutions to problems. But when you are in suicide mind, that is where you are and the rest feels like BS. There is no bootstrap-pulling or anything that "normal" people tell you to do. (Please forgive my use of words like "normal"......it's just my own "language")
I guess what I am trying to say is that you seem to be in that "suicide mind". But when you are feeling a bit better, you are not in that mind and can see that suicide is scary.......and very very permanent.
I am not going to pretend that everything is just ducky in my life right now, but I would like to say that while I had that remission from the depression, I managed to pull myself together enough to do a lot of dating (which was not always fun) and was fortunate enough to meet a man who wanted to marry me. He didn't even change his mind when he saw my nutty mood swings and crying spells. We just celebrated a year of marriage last week.
I could go on and on about things that happened during various remissions that made me glad I hadn't killed myself, but I won't bore you with that. I will just submit that life is full of surprises - both bad and good.
Everyone here, as you know, has had their struggles with feeling lousy and wishing it were all over. Many of us have lived guided by the suicidal mind. I hope strongly that you will very soon find meds and/or a therapist who can help you get your "normal" mind back, and maybe even take you higher than you ever though possible.
Go into a dark room and cry when you need to, but don't imagine that you are alone and no one understands. We may not be near you physically, but we are in spirit. None of us wants this burden, but we have it. The best we can do is share and comfort each other.
Diane
poster:platinumbride
thread:367118
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040719/msgs/367782.html