Posted by alesta on August 18, 2004, at 14:10:30
wish me luck! the anhedonia is about to drive me crazy. i do think pure monotony would definitely qualify as a serious form of hell, and i'm not waiting to find out. i have struggled with this decision and now am sure it is the right one. when i am alone it is absolutely *unbearable*. i just don't feel like i have anyone i can vent to that would understand this. and, to be honest, i have a whole bunch of other problems right now, like a boyfriend who is a total addict and rages at me all the time, gets mad at me whenever i go on the internet, but has been in the bathroom getting high for the last 3 years. no one knows i'm living with a hardcore addict. i can't leave right now. my mother is now (thankfully) out of my life, as she has narcissistic personality disorder and is *extremely* toxic, destroys my life. my father always ignored me, and my brother, the only family i had, my best friend, committed suicide. so i am totally alone. i've wanted to die since i was 19. i wouldn't kill myself, but i would rather not be here. so i can relate. i manage to genuinely be positive a lot of the time (when i'm on an antidepressant supplement/drug). but the prozac is just not a stable happiness for me (in other words, it ain't working!) i just need a shoulder to cry on at this very moment. i'll probably be fine tomorrow. but have to get this out right now. there has been a *lot* worse stuff that has happened to me than this piddley stuff, but it would take forever. i just figured since everyone else around here is spilling their guts, i might as well. i actually think i feel a little better. guys, please don't give me a bunch of advice. i just wanted understanding. i just wanted you guys to know that i know desperation. we may all have different forms of it, but we share it nonetheless (some of us). i am just here. waiting for all of this to be over.
thank you for listening,
amy
poster:alesta
thread:379148
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040817/msgs/379148.html