Posted by robot on September 22, 2004, at 2:39:44
i dont even want to be here, you know? Posting to this board is an act with all these associations--of being depressed, of endless theorizing what is wrong what might work etc. Im sick of all of it. Ill even admit to not reading any other posts right now. Its too much to sift through all these posts of people suffering.
3 weeks ago I 'forgot' to take my lexapro. Then the next day I just decided I wasnt going to take it anymore. It wasnt helping, I still couldnt enjoy anything after 6 months, and being sexually androgenous was finally unacceptable. Plus I had started Wellbutrin a few weeks before; I could just be on that and see how it went.
For a few days I was in a mixed state--I felt a little more energetic, and my main symptom (the other being extreme anhedonia) of this weird inability to speak went away. And I was extremely irritable, not in a general way, but it was people who I just didnt have the patience for. A friend of mine was saying something I thought was so stupid and fake that I just ran him into the ground with a barage of counter arguments. But I didnt really care because I was feeling better. In a way it was even cathartic.
After a few days the irritability went away--probably just the withdrawal from the lexapro. The speaking problem stayed away too. Then I noticed I COULD ACTUALLY ENJOY THINGS. For the first time in 5 plus years. Music, playing music, talking, reading. I felt my body so much more and was comfortable in it. My nerve endings felt alive. Emotions existed again. I felt motivated and began to work on things again.
I saw my pdoc and told him the good news.
The good feelings lasted about 1.5 to 2 weeks. Now IM pretty much back to depressed. I feel a little better than I used to but thats it. I tried taking 2 today (300 mg) but it did nothing more.
Did quitting lexapro give me a temporary boost of some sort? In a way I was given a gift of knowing that I CAN still feel good. But now its just made me suicidal again. I thought those days were over. How can we ever trust in a good feeling again when time after time, again and again, we find we were wrong about thinking we were getting better? Its beginning to feel like a physical law of the universe to me.
Why does my brain prefer death to living?
How can people believe in a loving god or benevolent universe when there is so much pain in the world? Im becoming intolerant, which is unlike me, of everyone who I think believes in stupid things like religion or their ignorant politics.
I dont know what happened to me and I hardly want to think about thiese things anymore. I have no close friends who understand or care. which is fine if Im feeling like I did a few weeks ago but in this state its the last straw.
Im going to my pdoc's office tomorrow and demanding to see him if I have to wait all afternoon. Then Im going to tell him what happened and beg him to just give me something right now to make me feel better. Ill even cry if I have to.
Im thinking: What little the Wellbutrin is doing doesnt even kick in until like 12 hours after I take it! Im on XL slow day release. So my idea is to get on the regular version that immediately kicks in--I can take that in the morning for any immediate relief, then the slow release will give me an enduring cushion. If Wellbutrin will even do anyting for me.
With my ability to enjoy things I planned on going to see my favorite band this coming weekend. NOw its just a slap in the face to me. I could drive all the way there and sit there and watch them play and TRY, for 2 hours, to enjoy it. That doesnt make any sense. "Try to enjoy." Im not ever going to try to enjoy again--it just makes it worse. If youre enjoying it has nothing to do with trying. Ive tried rnning, meditation, positve thinking...no mental effort EVER has helped. The best I can do is keep reminding myself that its not my fault, remembering that its always the good feelings that come first then I begin to be active and productive again--the good feelings do not go away because IM not trying hard enough. Its the opposite.
People who have never experienced depression can never have the understanding of the world that we do. This makes me feel somewhat special but its not worth it, is it? And I see people who are able to enjoy everyday things and live in freedom--and they waste it believing in some horrible religion or whatever or doing nothing, just talking. They dont know how lucky they are! They just dont understand. If had the normalcy they have I would be taking over the world with my energy--which is what I began to do when I started feeling good!
NOw its gone. Its just chemicals. The universe doesnt care for us. It just doesnt. everything else is delusion. This doesnt mean we cant figure out how to make it better, I just havent been able to yet and I cant count on any cosmic interest to help me.
Here's to all of us on this board. We dont deserve what we've suffered, other people dont understand it, and we have the right to say that this is not the best of possible worlds to exist in.
poster:robot
thread:393562
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040921/msgs/393562.html