Posted by D minor on November 2, 2004, at 0:31:28
In reply to unbelievably messed up, posted by linkadge on November 1, 2004, at 14:22:29
linkadge,
what stage of schooling are you in? I had just graduated college when I was dxed MD. This, of coarse, means that for at least part of my schooling I was depressed and untreated. Don't give up on your educational goals. School goes by very fast and I'm sure you'll continue to do well.
> I am so hopeless. The hospital let me go, my pdoc says he doesn't want to see me for a month, to let the meds work, and I still feel so low.
There is a period of time after the worst part of a depression when you are getting better but are still depressed. This recovery phase can last a while. You just have to take it slow.I wish I could tell you my whole story, but that would take a while. As someone already suggested, you may join an out-patient program. I lived in a "half-way-house" for a while, then did a day-program/out patient thing. It really helped.
> I am so brain dammaged from all these meds, there is not a chance in the world that I will finish my education. I've given up on succeeding, I'm just now trying to fail as slowly as possible.
Ok, now I do have to share part of my story. I wanted to go to grad school and become Ph.D. in biology. When I was hospitalized (6 times!) I felt my world had come to an end because it didn't seem like I could reach that goal any longer. But I met a man in the hosptal who was Bipolar. He too had wanted to go to grad school, and had struggled and struggled to live up to his and his parents expectations. Then one day he realized that it was ridiculous for him to torture himself like that. He became a research assistant, and guess what, life went on! I couldn't believe it. Not becoming a professor hadn't ruined his life, he was still loved and loving and sucessful. So I kinda let go of becoming a Ph.D. And I was OK with that. But now, a year later, I've discovered phamacy. I'm applying to pharmacy school and working in a pharmacy now. Things are looking up! I know they'll work out for you too.
> I spend hours just sitting there in this state of irritability/anger at god etc. Not wanting to move because there nobody to blame the anger on, yet no way to get rid of it.
>
> My whole body starts to twich and convulse periodically and I have a headache that never leaves. I also feel like somebody is pushing me from behind.Can you believe that I had a two month migrain!
I had to take Nortriptyline and then Topamax to get it to stop. Just saying, I know what you mean!
>
> Nobody really cares. They hear that you say you're find one day, and they think you're fine forever.Once again, I know what you mean. And I care.
> I spend half the day wanting to kill myself, and the other half of the day fearing burning in hell for doing so.Out of curiosity, what religion are you? I'm Christian. If you are too, there are some pretty cool web sites I could give you links to.
> There's no way out and time is not making it any easier. The more antidepressant I take the more agitated I become. The docotors don't seem to understand this.I was seriously shocked at both how slow and how fast my recovery seemed to be. Sometimes I felt like you do, that time wasn't making any differece. Then suddenly, there was a differece. Still, a year after my last hospitalization, I have my moments. But it is drastically better. If you can still say that time makes no difference a year from now, we'll talk. ;-)
> I don't know who I am anymore.
Hmm, that's a hard one. I was just recently dxed Bipolar, just when I had the MD thing down. So I feel you. I think it probably will take time for me and you too.
> I don't think I have ever been more messed up or more hopeless in all my life.
>
> If I was to kill myself, it would not be an attempt, I would make that for sure
Don't do that. Then you would never see the miracle God will do in your life. If He did it for me, I know He'll do it for you. There's a really cool site I have to tell you about. Read the "Food for thought" articles, especially the one about why we were chosen.http://www.kiva.net/~sjb/bipolarnotbonk/
Sorry this message was so long,
dm
poster:D minor
thread:410137
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20041029/msgs/410433.html