Posted by jerrympls on December 18, 2004, at 23:18:02
I tell my therapist - who really is a great therapist - that I'm so apathetic and depressed that I constantly think of suicide - but have no plan. We talk about it but sometimes I think he should take it more seriously. But then again maybe that's me just wanting attention? No - the suicidal thoughts are real. I tell him all the time that I have no reason to live. He asks if I have a plan or if I think I should be in the hospital. I always say that I refuse to go into the hospital and that I have no plan. But lately I've fantasized about just walking in front of a bus. It would be quick I assume. I just really have nothing to live for. I have no friends, my family is distant, I can barely get through a day of work, music doesn't touch my soul any longer....the list goes on.
How can I justify living in chronic unrelenting pain when the "pain meds" don't work? I just keep trying antidepressants over and over and over - I've almost tried every one of them at least twice now. Nothing gets better. It's been 13 years - why should I stick around any longer? There really is no reason. Hope? I've held on to the idea of hope for 13 years and it's led to nothing but hopelessness. I don't want to continue existing just to pay bills - ya know?
I've prayed...I've hoped...I've tried for years and nothing. I'm not making a difference with my life.
You people are the only people who understand. No wonder there are more suicides around the holidays.
I know I keep crying wolf about suicide...I don't do it for sympathy or attention...I do it because I'm in severe pain and have nothing else to cry......
jerry
poster:jerrympls
thread:431506
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20041217/msgs/431506.html