Posted by Maxime on March 13, 2005, at 20:29:41
In reply to Re: What am I suppose to do? » Maxime, posted by SLS on March 13, 2005, at 7:33:04
Hi sweetie Scott. :)
Actually I don't even have a job. I had to quit because I couldn't handle it. At least with the volunteer work I can usually do it when I am at my peak. However, everything is relative and my peak right now is pretty low.
I will try and remember what you wrote in your last paragraph. It is very profound.
Today was a disaster though. I was trying to speak to other members of the volunteer organisation and I couldn't articulate myself. I burst out crying in front of everyone. Plus I have to have a press kit ready in 2 days and I really don't think I can do it. I don't.
Sigh. I hate this. I hate feeling this way and I hate knowing that others suffer in the same way.
Maxime
> Hi Maxime.
>
> > Actually my doctor had me on Adderall XR and Parnate at the same time. He knows about the contraindications but believes there are exceptions.
>
> He sounds like a doctor who isn't afraid to be aggressive or look at unconventional alternatives. Do you have confidence in him?
>
> > He also believes that I know my body so well and trusts that I will stop a med if any weird things start to happen (secretly I was hoping for stroke that would kill me).
>
> I can relate to this. :-(
>
>
> > No, I am not allowed to be sick. I have to do my volunteer work. It's all I have.
>
> I understand. I go to a partial care hospital a few time a week. It's all I have. Unfortunately, I am really not functional enough to do volunteer work. At least I am provided with some structure throughout the week.
>
> > I feel useless and worthless as it is.
>
> Evidently, your production at work argues against these things as being true. Depression can leave one's sense of self-esteem in ruins. It is a self-reinforcing cycle. The biological illness will make you feel worthless by warping your thoughts and feelings and bias them towards the negative. You are left without any positive. If you know that your degree of function is less than it would be were you well, this very real observation only serves to reinforce the negative thoughts you are already having. Please be aware, however, that you do function at your job, and that you have been worth to them at least $25,000. I would call that extremely valuable. Three organisations? One wasn't enough? :-) That sounds like someone who functions quite well. The cleverness of the cognitive beast of depression is that it exaggerates the negative and discounts the positive. Unfortunately, you make a good textbook example of this.
>
> > Without all the volunteer work I do, I would feel ... completely dead. I volunteer for 3 difference organisations. I just found out that a grant I wrote came through and the mental health agency I wrote it for will be getting $25,000. It took me a long time to put it together, but it paid off in the end.
>
> WOW!
>
> You sure are dedicated.
>
> > My doctor isn't listening to me these days. I sent him my journal where I made explicit reference to suicide. He said we have to keep trying. So I have decided that if I just have run myself into the ground that eventually someone will have to do something. Unfortunately I am a high-functioning depressive. Unless I wear my underwear on my head people find it hard to believe how much I suffer. But they only see me with my mask on.
>
> :-)
>
> I know this scenario only too well. If I acted the way I felt, I would remain motionless and stare at the wall. It is a chore to interact with other people. As a matter of fact, it is a chore to do everything. But the mask I wear, although not designed to be phony, does belie the severity of my illness. I had to remind my last doctor of this more than once. Keeping a journal and submitting an accurate list of symptoms, and a desription of what you really experience as depression sounds like a good idea. You can keep your journal private.
>
> Please try to hold on to your sense of value of your core inner person. Regardless of how aweful you feel or how functionless you may be, the value of the core inner person remains the same. You are valuable because you are you. You are not your illness. You are not your job. You are Maxime.
>
>
> - Scott
poster:Maxime
thread:470221
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050312/msgs/470644.html