Posted by scribble on March 17, 2005, at 19:04:27
i don't know what is wrong. i feel trapped within a person that will never be able to communicate their despair to anyone. when i am alone i feel either almost paralysed or when i can do stuff it only amounts to aimless pacing around my apartment and everything i try to do fails and makes a bigger mess of things. i have brief outbursts of anger for no reason. focus and concentration are impossible. reading is extremely difficult because i either forget what i read, read everything wrong or just give up. i can't think clearly about anything. even writing this message is extremely difficult and i cant right anything properly. i stick meaningless sentences evrywhere. i can't appreciate anything i used to beyond a useless superficial level. i can't stop thinking about a relationship that ended more than 3 years ago. i'm almost 21 and i still haven't finished high school. i now sporadically attend an adult high school. my GP put me on disability, and i even perform very poorly at my volunteer job. i look disgusting and i'm starting to age very quickly. i don't care about anyone and have zero empathy. when i'm with people they become like an anaestheic to me, and i'm never able to properly reveal my desperation to anyone. i can't think properly or clearly about anything. i always embarass myself and act like someone else. i can't ever find words that really feel like they are mine. i don't know what to do other than die if i could, but i never do. ive tried so many anti-depressants, and none of them have worked. i'm now on desipramine... and i don't know what it's doing other than keep me awake and it used to make it easier to cry. i am on 300mg and even when i go higher it doesn't help... honestly it just does what it did several several months ago at 50mg but with dry mouth. my doctor doesn't prescribe much other than what i have already tried. other than some anti-psychotics, but i feel mentally impaired enough already. stimulants usually do nothing, and if they do it causes anger or anxiety. i need to do something. i have small doses of risperdal, dexedrine, and seroquel lying around. some celexa, luvox, effexor, trazodone, and even some parnate. is there anything i can do with these? the ssris scare me because they give me what i think are extrapyramidal symptoms but it rarely seems like anyone believes me. i guess id be willing to try the low dose anti-psychotics if i had any reason to really think they would help. i remember reading someone say that something to do with their action on some seratonin receptor actually improved dopamine function in people and without anxiety?? they still sort of scare me but id be willing to try anything i have in this apartment. i'm sorry for the long post but if there is any advice anyone could give i would be very appreciative. thankyou.
poster:scribble
thread:472227
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050317/msgs/472227.html