Posted by pretty_paints on July 15, 2005, at 10:27:54
Hi guys
I know I don't post on here much but i am feeling crap.
I have to go into hospital, but it has to be Barrow (the hospital which liasons (sp?) with my social worker/pdoc etc). My doc wanted to get me into hospital but won't section me bcoz it means I'll go to Southmead (which isn't to do with them). You see, there are no beds available yet at Barrow.
Meanwhile I feel like sh*t. I am in love with my pdoc and I KNOW she is in love with me, but won't admit it. I had my appointment with her today and she says she is transferring me to a consultant, I won't see her now as my doctor. She also said she sees me as a patient. That she is not in love with me, "I am in love with my husband" she said. I am so wrecked. I have tried to be strong for the last two years and now it is too much. I keep taking all these stupid pills when I don't think I need them. Nothing ever gets better. It's all SH*T.
My (now EX) doctor wants to put me on Clozapine. I am in two minds about this. 70% of me knows I don't need this drug at all. 30% is a doubt. I know things aren't right but I don't think that's MY fault. It's what everyone is doing to me. Spying on me, following me around in cars, controlling my thoughts. How would YOU feel if someone had taken away all your thoughts and replaced them with some really sh*tty, dead-pan ones???
I have now been waiting two weeks for a bed. Doc says max is another two weeks. Don't they understand how DRAINING not knowing what you're doing is?? It's just a waiting game. And my thoughts change all the time. Sometimes I don't want to go in, but I'll psych myself up to go in...but then they tell me there's no beds, so I go back to not wanting to go in. I bet by the time a bloody bed becomes available I won't want to go in at all. I just feel like a huge inconvenience to them. Just causing them hassle.
My mum has just called, my EX-doc just rang her and said how upset and angry I was. I was very angry. I started yelling at her in the hall about how much I hated her for hurting me, and how I didn't want her anyway, she's a crap doctor, and she can just go to hell. How can she be so horrible to me? Then I hung around in reception crying my eyes out.
THEN I had to get the bus (bad enough) but it didn't come for about 40 mins, so I was just stood there, crying my eyes out for ages, looking like a right wally (not that I cared).
ANYWAY some quick questions. My EX-doc says I'll have to be in hospital for a while as it takes quite a long time to sort out Clozapine (IF I decide to go on the stupid medication). She says they will reduce my other drugs slowly and then see what's needed and what's not, etc. Anyway my question is, how long do you think it will take in total, being in there? Any ideas?
Secondly, what is Clozapine like? What side effects does it have? I know about weight gain. Is it worse than Olanzapine?? Will you just continue and continue to put on weight regardless?
It's so stupid me having a new doctor. It's taken a year for the docs to finally understand what's in my head, and then as soon as it's getting better, they switch me! How the hell is this new guy going to have a clue? My EX-doc says they will give me a diagnosis in hospital. HOW THE HELL ARE THEY GONNA DO THAT? This new bloke doctor doesn't even KNOW me.
I'm so pissed off and angry. I've rung Jason from the Crisis Team. They will come round over the weekend to support me (apparently). If I had a gun I'd go shoot my EX-doctor's husband, the horrible man. Then I'd shoot myself. And I'd blame it all on my doctor. But I haven't got a gun, so don't worry.
Anyway enough of my rambling for now. And sorry I don't come on here much.
Love K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
poster:pretty_paints
thread:527990
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050713/msgs/527990.html