Posted by CK1 on November 1, 2005, at 23:58:17
Is there a medication that can reproduce the effects of alcohol and cigarettes combined? I really think it raises dopamine levels. I think a 6 pack and a few cigs will help any depression, if only for a few hours. It's certainly helping me at this moment. Yes, I'm slightly drunk and buzzing.
I'm upset that I had to stop Nardil so I decided to have a few drinks and smoke a few cigs. I feel very calm and mellow right now, but tomorrow's a different story.
I believe my doctor was correct in labeling me bipolar II. I have yet to try any mood stabilizers combined with an SSRI nor atyipcal antipyschotics. I had great success with Paxil for 3 years until it stopped working 8 months ago. Since then, I've tried Effexor, Zoloft, Prozac, and Nardil and nothing has worked. My doctor wants to put me on Seroquel + Paxil to regain it's effectiveness, but after my recent med trials, I do not have any expectations at all. The first antidepressant I was ever on worked so well so I never thought anyone could be "treatment resistant". Boy, was I wrong! 3 years filled with accomplishments, tons of friends, excitement, girls, photographic achievements, wonderful memories, unmatched happiness, have come and gone, leaving me with a feeling of utter hopelessness. This board is filled with people who have gone years without finding the right meds and those who are still in a state of misery despite running the gamut of psychotropic medications. This, in itself, strikes fear in me. My father is a surgeon, I had a wonderful childhood and was always considered one of the "cool" kids in high school, played golf tournaments all around the nation with hopes of being on the PGA Tour, have great talent in photography, am good looking, hung around celebrities/models all summer in New York, and, from the outside, seem like one without any worries in the world.
I have found that no matter how good looking, how much money you have, and how talented one is, depression and anxiety can still pervade one's life. It (depression/anxiety) comes without a face, striking without a due cause, having the potential to disrupt even a seemingly "wonderful" life.
When I was on Paxil, I was always on the prowl for hot girl to take out and my confidence was unmatched. I felt great and feeling great brings opportunites to you. I'm so angry at Paxil for failing me in the long-run. I'm reading my journals at the moment and am now realizing that the good times were simply an ephemeral, fleeting, untangled freedom, that simply hasn't the ability to last long-term.
When medicines that bring such hope "poop out", it is such a feeling of despair. I have been searching for an answer for 9 months, but nothing has come to plate to remedy this situation. I realize that there are many more meds to try, but I truly don't understand why it's this hard to find happiness and confidence. Remission followed by poop out, followed by more trials, followed by poop out, seems to be the average case on this board, if not in the real world. Long-term happiness was my goal but, now, this seems an impossibility.Nardil, which I thought to be my "potential" savior has failed me, so I'm a bit discouraged if not hesistant to try any further meds, yet I will for the mere "chance" of feeling "great" again.
Ok. Enough for now. Thanks for listening to my story and my quest for "happiness" wherever that may be. Two week washout from Nardil and more meds. I want "that feeling" back!
CK
poster:CK1
thread:574393
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20051031/msgs/574393.html