Posted by Racer on April 14, 2006, at 14:20:54
In reply to Re: Husband Giving Up ... » gardenergirl, posted by Flame on April 14, 2006, at 13:53:48
Hi, Flame.
Welcome to Babble, and I'm sorry about your situation. That's a rough one, and I've been in a similar situation after my husband was laid off from his job a couple of years ago. My quality of life certainly suffered... (Although I'm the one with major depression, so the dynamics are a bit different.)
I agree with GG that therapy for you, with maybe a starting point of, "Doc, I am staying with my husband, because that's the choice I've made -- but I need help to adjust to this situation." That might help, despite the T's almost certain frustration about it. Personally, I think it's a good choice, from the standpoint that you really don't sound like someone to leave until you're truly sure there's nothing left to try. It might get to that point, but you might still have a few options left before that.
My only new advice is this: while his doctor can't talk to you, he can *listen* to you. Legally, he can't even admit that your husband is his patient, but if you call him, you can say, "I know you can't talk to me, but listen: my husband drinks heavily every night; when he was on Ritalin, he would take it all the first day; he's saying that he won't ever work again; he refuses to stick with therapy; I'm at my wit's end, and can't stand to see him doing this to himself. Can you think of any way to get across to him that the alcohol really is a problem that interferes with anti-depressant response? And maybe help with the other issues?" Ideally, although I don't know many doctors who would necessarily do this, the psychiatrist might require that he be in therapy in order to continue treatment. Or might refer him for some residential treatment. Of course, it might be that the doctor would just say, "Gee, that's too bad..." But at least it's something else to try, right?
Another option for you to consider is marriage counseling. From what you've written, I think it would require you to say something along the lines of, "Honey, your choice: marriage counseling, or duelling divorce attorneys." Or, since you don't really want to do that, maybe "Marriage counseling, or you move into the guest room and pay rent there as a boarder until you choose to do something to help yourself." I'm fortunate, because my husband did agree to marriage counseling without quite that much in the way of ultimatums -- about the time the pdoc I was seeing had my husband take me to the psychiatric ER because he considered me a high risk for suicide...
Another option, which probably doesn't sound so great to you right now, is to kick him out until he is willing to be more responsible. Think temporary, rather than permanent -- "I can't live this way. Either you need to contribute in some way, or you need to find another place to continue your current path." But any sort of ultimatum like that really has to be something you can live with, and you have to make sure that he knows what would constitute acceptable contributions. Is it enough that he stop drinking and do some sort of work on himself? Or does he have to have a job? If he has to have a job, what's the time frame on that? And you need to be able to live with it if he doesn't choose to do that.
It might also help to keep in mind that depression really is a disease, and it has primary and secondary effects. The primary depression does damage, but then it also leads to secondary effects -- like not sticking with therapy because it's too hard, drinking because it helps you cope, etc. Your husband really is sick, and really is suffering. It's just that you're the tertiary effect: it's hurting you, too.
Weight gain is a dirty secret of many antidepressants, and if you add in the alcohol, that's a problem. Ambien is not supposed to be taken more than a few days at a time. And it doesn't sound as though your husband is responsible enough to deal with Nardil or Parnate. Many forms of alcohol are on the lists of Forbidden Foods. And "a little bit isn't going to hurt" doesn't apply -- a little bit might actually kill him.
{sigh} I don't know what to advise, really. Depression is a terrible thing, and it really can suck half the life out of you. (Speaking from first hand experience.) But you're right -- it's terrible to watch someone you care about NOT do anything to help him/herself. Good luck to you.
I'm sorry this got so long. And I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I had some answers for you, but I do wish you well.
poster:Racer
thread:632992
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20060412/msgs/633107.html