Posted by stargazer on July 21, 2006, at 8:10:45
In reply to Re: Thoughts on Depression and other diagnoses... » stargazer, posted by SLS on July 21, 2006, at 6:58:40
Thanks for clarifying some of what I said, I know what you are saying. I wish I had the focus or understanding of what is being said at times and feel that perhaps I'm not doing enough for myself to beat this thing. I have had it for so long I just get tired of knowing what to do and some of the posts I can understand, many baffle me and require too much focus and concentration for me to follow. I'm not sure because this is what I have struggled with my whole life. At times I felt that I was dyslexic (ADHD) but other times I feel like I am being too hard on myself. So my perspective on how I'm doing is skewed. I do have memory problems, big time, and have never been able to validate this. I have even thought about neuropsychiatric testing, but have never done it, again part of my inability to follow through with things. Many of you have probably had this done? What were the results? I know I have trouble following many conversations and feel like I have nothing to contribute. I think there was a time I felt smart and able to learn new things but this has not happened for many years with any degree of predictability. As a matter of fact, it seems like my ability to learn new information and process it is gone. I even thought about being tested for early Alzheimers because of my memory problems. My ability to juggle multiple priorities is gone too. This is why I took a leave of absense from my job. My plan was to resign but my MD said to take a leave. Even though I strongly believe it is the job, not the depression, I cannot tell for sure. I have the inability to make decisions and come across extremely indecisive most of the time. I did not fight his interpretation of things because I do not trust my ability to analyze these things. And unless you know of a test for depression, ADD, anxiety, etc we have to go by our feelings, thought processes, etc. to help with the selection of meds. My MD has said just forget about the diagnoses and so we focus on trying to increase or decrease what I'm currently on and perhaps adding a new med. When I look at all of my symptoms, I could have more than 3 or 4 diagnoses, all requiring different medications. That's when it gets too overwhelming for me to understand and be the "expert" in my own treatment. And I'm afraid of what all of these meds are doing to my thoughts, feelings,and physical health.
So although I may seem like I'm minimizing other's suffering, it's probably my choice of words, the way I put together my thoughts that can get me into trouble and give the wrong impression to others. I used to not voice my feelings, have any opinions because I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing, which I seemed to always do. This was one of the earliest symptoms I can remember, beginning as a child. Was that early symptoms of depression or my personality? I also was extremely shy, hated attention, super sensitive to rejection. was that normal or the early signs of depression, aka neurological imbalence. Should they have treated me then if the medications were available that we have today?
I have questions like this all the time and have learned to minimize my symptoms or feelings just because I'm not in the depths of depression. Yes, I want to feel better but although there have been glimpses of feeling better "normal, confident" these feelings have been fleeting and seem to not be sustainable with any treatment with any regularity.
I think my basic personality is defective (genetic vs dysafunctional family, they look good but I know are messed up) and personality can't be changed without lots of therapy, along with medication. Right?
What a struggle this is for me. I'm so glad you have to ability to articulate and analyze everything that you can. It amazes me but I still feel that it comes across to me as havingan amazing ability to function as compared to me, even with educational level factored in.
Thanks for hearing me. Any thoughts are certainty not meant to be personal or demeaning, just my observations, feelings, again...can they be trusted or does my depression cause them to be inaccurate or communicated inaccurately? I want to be able to share here and not feel intimidated by those who know so much more than me. I'm not stupid but feel I am at times.
Current cocktail: Marplan 30, Lamictal 100/100, new addition Risperdal 0.25 with SE of dizziness w hypotension.
poster:stargazer
thread:668858
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20060717/msgs/668895.html