Posted by AdamCanada on February 9, 2008, at 1:24:35
For the first time in so many years I have felt at least somewhat alive in the 3-4 month period before January 2008. Late december i started to spiral downwards and couldn't even tell why. I thought lowering my paxil dose from 10mg to 9.5 or 9.25 was helping me feel better as I had a huge sex drive boost and more eagerness to meet women, at least I was a sexual animal even if I didn't have much interest in too much else. but i enjoyed meeting women whether it was just for friendship or for sexual relations...
now i dont have any of that. motivation down, sex drive down, emotions negative, anxiety up, social anxiety up.
I take paxil, clonazepam, gabapentin, ritalin. and i even brought the paxil back up to almost 10mg again. but it seems that may not have been the problem.
maybe build up of protein powder.... those amino acids in my body? wish i knew. I stopped taking protein powders for 1 week before and it didn't help, it may have even made me slightly worse.
I am so sick of living like this. I was doing so much better for 3-4 months to the point where I had so much confidence and drive to go out do just about anything. Hell I never went clubbing in my life until that period last year where I began to feel better, never danced in my life until then and actually enjoyed it. something i used to fear so much from my social anxiety.
i felt like i could be a normal person in some ways. that i could do what normal people take for granted so easily.
but i guess I am poisoned for life from accutane and the brain damage of ECT. My memory is shot, i have to write everything down, i cant even remember simple things like my own da-- telephone number. i feel like such an incredible idiot at times and my ability to learn new things is very compromised. oh look I used a big word! that is probably one of the largest in my so called vocabulary.
I used to be such a genius before all of this happened and before the Accutane and ECT but I guess I will never have that part of me back.
Sometimes.... rarely I feel more intellectual than usual but those are very rare occurances.
But aside from that... I just have no motivation, no drive, no plans, no goals (anymore), no dreams, no aspirations, and i cant get myself excited about Anything except to the smallest degree.
I guess I have a HUGE chemical inbalance because before I got poisoned by Accutane (which has been linked to thousands of suicides in north america) I was never like this.
I always had strong social anxiety but... at least I was able to be thrilled about life! I loved so many things, movies, acting, drama, photography, videogames, women, etc etc etc etc...
now i feel like only 10% of me is here and the rest is gone.
I have tried taking a new med recently... Trivistal LA (is this the same as Trivistal Retard version?) for 3 days. 25mg, 50mg, 50mg, and so far i dont see an improvement. i feel maybe more emotional but it's sad emotions right now. Over everything that I have lost.
So many people whom I met off facebook during those 3-4 months before I have avoided, because I'm too anti-social to even have anything to say to them. And when I do speak to them it's mindless little tiny chitchat. I am not the social person I was back in December.
I have lost it. I guess it's time to keep trying more and more different medications until something works. Even though I have tried over 20 already.
Some of the best have been temporary mini-solutions such as dexedrine and ritalin but they lose their effect.
What anti-depressant meds or non convential medications may be best for raising dopamine levels?
I just dont know what the hell to do. I have felt for the longest time. For so many years that I am too unstable to ever have a girlfriend... and I guess I was right. maybe if i get better again... but who knows when that will be. I am just sick of living like this and feeling so horrible beyond my control. I wish I was mentally healthy but this is just my sad pathetic reality.
poster:AdamCanada
thread:811652
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20080207/msgs/811652.html