Posted by AMY II on February 27, 2008, at 23:16:10
I haven't been here in a while and have posted a couple of things but I need help. I have written so much stuff on these boards I can't possibly go through all of it again.
So if you look back and see what I have been going through before you answer that would be so appreciated!
So two nights ago, I have an "anxiety attack". I am not feeling well and my husband is rubbing my feet trying to get me "destressed". I am fighting off the scared anxious feelings while we are on the couch together watching tv. I have weird feeling in the middle-lower part of my back. Like it is numb. I rub it. My thighs feel funny. Like they aren't getting enough circulation. My head has terrible pressure at the base and I rub and push on it to try and ease some of these "physical symptoms". It feels like it is escalating. I just know that I am going to have to take some zanax. But what if it doesn't work? This doesn't feel like typical anxiety, but I really never have had typical anxiety, that's just what the docs call it. What if it doesn't get rid of my symptoms? What if I go nuts this time? god I HATE this.
We go upstairs to bed and I am feeling spacy, out of it. Not in touch. Like things are going on around me and I am outside of myself. Floaty. I go to the bathroom and close my eyes. I see not in my mind but in the front of my eyes when I close them, colors, squared, tiny....I have been here before. Early on (9 years ago)when this first hit, I could clothes my eyes and see dripping multicolor paint like on a wall. As the years have gone by it has been few and far between that I see this. The colors have gotten where sometimes it is just a shot of multicolors when I clothes my eyes, but this time, checkered...I think...it's gonna be worse than usual, but not as bad as the beginning...
I am laying in bed with the lights dim, our 10 month old baby crawling around the bed and my husband is sharpening a pencil standing up on his side of the bed (he is a fanatic about sudoku). He is saying something about how funny it was that he had a pencil with a full eraser and no point, and then another pencil he was using with no eraser but sharpened. So he goes to his truck to get the sharpener. While I am listening to him and watching the baby at the same time he says, "Do you want to touch it?" And I say very irritated and paranoid, "Why would you ask me if I want to touch your sharpened pencil?" And he looks at me all weird and says he never said that. I argue with him saying yes he did and he said no I never said "Do you want to touch it" or anything close to that. Mind you he is a hippy (not that all hippies smoke) and smokes weed here and there and he was a little stoned this night. ( I do not smoke or do drugs at all-see previous posts).
I confirm with him that he didn't say that, looking into his eyes and I get this "rush" shooting from my head all the way down to the base of my spine and I am in a full blown "attack". I am crazy. I am f**kin hearing things. I am so scared a roll over and immediately take 1.5 mg of zanax. Just anxiety right? I flip back over and see a "spark" of yellow light out of the side of my right eye and my husband is in bed doing sudoku and my son is pulling on a long silk string from my nightgown and putting it in his mouth and waving it around etc.
I am watching him and I am still just "spaced out", full blown anxiety, weird feelings in my head, and I am thinking, "Is he really doing that or am I just thinking he is playing with the string?" I feel like I may or may not be seeing him doing this. He might be doing something completely different but this is what I am seeing he is doing. I feel like I am seeing him in quick bursts, like when a CD skips or something, but forward not reptitavely the same thing. Or am I? Is it just because I feel spacy? I am in a full blown "attack" and feel that at any minute I am gonna go crazy. Whatever that is. I look at my son's face and the shadows and the light, the way they are hitting his face make him look scary. I look away. I look at my husband and fear the same thing. I don't want to keep looking at them for fear that my mind will turn their faces into something else. That I will hallucinate. Or am I already? What? What? I verify with my husband that our son is in fact playing with the silk string from my nightgown and putting it in his mouth etc. I roll over and take .5 more. I feel this rush all over my body, almost like when ( I did this ONCE and if you read my previous posts you will just know everything about my situation)you freebase cocaine. That is the best way I can describe it.
I have my husband cuddle me and I am crying trying to keep the bad thoughts away. I ask my husband to tell me everything that is good about me. He talks to me until I fall asleep.
Over the last nine years I also have had, without anxiety attacks what appears to be black trace lines around people, if I take my hand and move it slowly I get a "tracer" I guess is what you would call it but not a typical tracer. It is like a faint black line drawn around the object and then inbetween the actual object and the line is like a clear oil slick?? I am trying to be as descriptive as I can be but may be more confusing. Anybody ever see squiggly lines or "worms" when they look at the sky? It's that type of clear oily color. I am sure I am not making sense, but thought I would just share that little piece of information since that is something that I "see" here and again. I have always, and so have doctors, chalked it up to being a weird neurological symptom that I have because of the "unknown" powder ecstacy that I took on that one night that has changed my life forever.
I am on only zanax for anxiety, went off effexor in September last year. Was taking 150mg. Last time I had this severe weird attack with the similar feelings was 6 months after I stopped taking Zoloft back in 2004 when I thought I was all better. IMPORTANT PIECE HERE- went to the hospital and they gave me zanax and some other sedative and at that time, it didn't work. I knew then that this was it for me. I have something else besides anxiety. They sent me home. I fought for 3 days dosing with zanax and eventually went on Effexor after trying Cymbalta and having horrific nightmares.
Anybody out there that can help me make sense of this? Relate to this? Hear of this?
poster:AMY II
thread:815089
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20080221/msgs/815089.html