Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on November 16, 2008, at 15:59:57
Hello, i hope your doing well.
This is nothing but the facts of what i've been, and go through. There is no propagagda, or exagerattion, neither shock value.
11/16/08
From my own prespective, i'm not a Psychiatrist. But i've evaluated every aspect of the emotions that have resulted into whats going on.
Early Childhood....Childhood, there was nothing wrong, i had good childhood. I was happy, and i loved what i did. Later on....11 years of age, for somereason....i would start talking but it had no relevence, and i did it just to be a comic, which eventually people laughed....ure funny..but they didnt know me as a "person". I started to be critized by my own peers, and went to adults for safety. As i grew older....things got very manifesting into something i didnt know what was happening, my teenage years where nothing, i had breakdowns on the floor, cried my eyes out, i did take Adderall at that time, (which i initally) started Adderall when i was 10. I noticed it procuded a feeling of order, and then more, a feeling of enthusiasm, which led to abuse. I would go to HS, i would see, but now that think, i was in my "own" reality....i didnt connect, with social relationships. Depression....but more of a "disconnected" depression was followed because i didnt understand the way reality, and what i was doing wrong, socially, acedimically, then eventually "who am i". I stayed quiet all through HS and never did anything to catch attention, because obvious, i knew.....i would be irritating.
Severe emotion breakdowns started around 2004, i never experienced such pain at once "a 1000 knives". At this point, i couldnt go to adults, i became an adult, people think i'm strange, in some aspect's of what i do, and politely "talk to you later". This created now that i think, dissocation, i would tune out reality and "didnt rerember" some years (2006) mainly.
Moods that, i would just sit in idleness, and do nothing, and have a unexplained feeling of loss of motivation, everything about life, i dont know if this is even classisfied in Disorders. Nothing....was going to be looked forward, to... i slept almost most of the time in 2006.
Next....going back, lack of idenity, i would replace it with images, alot. And switch back forth, but, it's draining.
But.....what i need to be seen, numerous breakdowns, the mind litterly split, created imaginary character's to encourge "hope", and do not kill yourself, because they told me, they loved me, even if the world hates you. It helped, it produced a feeling of euphoria, or "endorphin" release of warmness, i would close my eyes create a reality, a nice place to smooth out things. "Tiffany" was an character, which she was created as result of loneliness, but during times of stress in the car, dissocaited, driving, she takes over. But.....i switch back quick, because it's....scary knowing that another person takes control. But, the main reason.....the mind i think is decontructing itself, to build a better "one" person by switching and taking care of things. During breakdowns, there not that bad anymore because i switch out of "me" with the pain of the past. The main point, no one understands me, i'm confusing, but i'm trying to repair myself from trama of reality, and not knowing how to cope with it.
Right, now, my personality, in public usally if someone walks off, i'll make a very direct comment of who they are. It doenst hurt, because "Anyone who points the finger, is their logical opinion of that person, but it also reprents who they are"
My mind......loves, itself because i've developed this feeling "i cannot love", if some says they love me, its like touching a glass but not touching the hand. Because that glass was created to look through, and prevent damage from happening.
End.
The use of Dextroamphetamine, is high critized because its "speed", what i'm trying to tell people, i have abused adderall in past, bottem line, bad too. But, dextroamphetamine causes stablization in working, or socializing, i dont know but it stablizes something, but it also has side effects "apathy, depression" because it tunes the emotions out, at the prescibed dose. Higher doses will produce more "deep" feelings about life, and make feel "i'm stable, i'm normal". And people have told me, that's what a drug-dependent person says. No, i want to make a statement, just like someone taking let's say Paxil for depression.....is there anything wrong with that? exept Paxil is not controlled substance. It doesnt make a diffrence, no for people who just "recreationally" ingest narcotics, they dont know......they need to have deeper insight of why are they doing it? People, including myself at one time, i was considered filty for doing this. But i've came to the point, i have to justify why i need it, and if i have argue just like said with 20 people about it. Let it be.
Will you have maybe just a new insight, instead of what you label me as? now?
rj
poster:rjlockhart04-08
thread:863422
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20081114/msgs/863422.html