Posted by bulldog2 on February 1, 2009, at 10:56:49
In reply to Nardil / Parnate Atypical Extrem Despres ADHD HELP, posted by beaches09 on February 1, 2009, at 6:53:43
> Ive been sitting in my room at my parents house for about 7 years. A little after high school a bunch of bad stuff started happening in my life one after another after another and just sent me in a deep hole of misery and I've never been able to pull myself out since. Actually I've been pretty screwed up most of my life expect for a few periods were good things were happening then of course I was doing good in life and things were good. Shortly after I tried doing the meds thing and different cocktails and did many SSRI's, SNRI, NRI, DRI, Antipsycotics, benzos, stimulents, etc, and nothing worked, each thing helped a little in certain ways but just creating another imbalance as nothing targeted everything like an MAOI. Then I got so withdrawn and cracked out between switches I finally gave up and said screw it.
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> Ive tried numerous times to go out in the world since and live a life and I always fall completely on my face. I know the things I want and I even have a pretty good idea of what I want to do with my life, but as far as being able to do a single thing to make them happen, well I get 10 feet past the starting line and then wipeout like hell.
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> Then I get 20 times more depressed and it just keeps getting worse and worse. I started to think that Ive always been depressed because of my situation of where I am in my life which is nowhere. And I actually have been thinking this whole time that I am not depressed and It was just my shi**y situation. I have been distracting myself with feel good events to fool me into thinking Im not depressed. Then I started to think I was ADHD and which I do have all the symptoms but thats still not it and even when I took Adderall it did help me focus, but I was still miserable.
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> Then I learned about Atypical depression surfing the web while listening to my music the other day in a trance. And took a bunch of tests and it fits me 100%. I scored off the chart. Every single thing about it except the heavy limbs. Even the sub disorders that go with it. Panic disorder, social phobia, avoidant personality disorder, and body dismorphic disorder.
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> I dont talk to any of my friends, I have many good friends from back in the day and I ignore them all when they try to contact me because of fear. I ignore family. Im completely utterly terrified of rejection by new people so I dont attempt to meet any new people. When Im in public my mind is like an overclocked quad core computer chip processing and analyzing information about peoples perceptions, thoughts, and facial expressions of me and how to control those perceptions. I notice every single person in a room no matter how large and I notice every single person that notices me. Im so freakin aware I could hear a pindrop across the freakin store if there was one.
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> I can see how this awareness could be converted into a useful tool in a military setting which Ive thought of joining many times before as a way out but never did as I always end up back to realizing those arent the right reasons and not what I really wanted to do and so on. Creating so much anxiety that the only time I leave the house is at 11:00 pm at night to get my food at the store when nobody is out.
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> My main thing is the depression though as Im learning. The anxiety stems from the depression and my current state and thats what creates that fear. Because right now I am completely out of wack and not normal and I dont want people sizing me up which everyone in this freakin world just seems to love to do is size everyone up.
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> Ive managed to get myself out of the house during the summer each year BTW I hate winter with a passion and it makes me want to d*e, and try and work but its like I am a walking dead person. Ive come across AWESOME PEOPLE and AWESOME OPPORTUNITIES of a lifetime and I completely fu**ed them up because I was braindead, unsocial, not all there, and socially terrified because of it. I missed my best friend's wedding in Hawaii, awesome job opportunities, chances to move out of state to paradise with good friends, screwed up so many good jobs, lost girlfriends and opportunities. Believe it or not even in my current state of misery I've attempted to fake it, fake being happy and normal just so I could get a girlfriend again to maybe help boost me back to being normal and I've failed and been rejected miserably.
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> And because of all this and happening over and over and worse and worse again and again I got to the point were I was completely ready to have it all end.
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> I read the rules about what we can't talk about on here so I won't get into it. But last year I was in that horrible black state of mind, I wanted to, I fantasized about it. I couldnt wait to get to the other side. But no matter how much pain I was in I couldnt do it to my family. Even when I was in complete hate fight with them. So nobody needs to go calling people Im not in that state of mind and thats not going to happen.
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> But Im still completely miserable, lethargic, apathetic, absolute negative 100 motivation, no energy, sleep 12 hours a day, can't focus for crap, can't be creative anymore like I used to be, feel completely hopeless, totally lost, worthless, brain-dead, short-circuited, irritable, anixious, moody, self esteem zero, basically everything zero. I feel like an ornament on a black christmas tree. At the same time I have all these dreams and wishes and desires and loves and passions, but no matter how much I feel for all those things I am unable to do anything about any of it to make any kind of a life out of it. The smallest tasks in the world are so overwhelming I just do nothing and go nowhere.
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> I was once not like any of this and used to be on top of my game, and those days have been gone for many years and I've just been in this cloud doing random little things to keep my occupied.
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> In saying this stuff, which med do you guys think I should give a try first or might better suit me? Nardil or Parnate? I would ask the doc that but we all know he isnt going to know jack. So it would mean the world to me to get your guys opinions. I take full responsibility of the decision that I will make no matter what happens, but I would greatly appreciate some advice.
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> I took the antiaging.com edge effect test which I will post here. It says I am major lacking in all the neurotransmitters (to no surprise and finally makes good sense!) with a moderate lack in serotonin, but lacking GABA most of all which makes me think I should go with Nardil. But at the same time I DO in fact have MANY ADHD symptoms and that makes me think I should go with Parnate. I also have the social phobias, and avoidance personality, and Nardil is better for those I take it? But at the same time I feel those things stem from my depression problem and once that is under control I feel I wont have the social phobias so much and Ill be my old self again.
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> Does one med vs the other make you more talkative and social? Would it be dumb to take parnate when I clearly am lacking the most in a major GABA deficiency? But what about the ADHD symptoms? I cant read a book and all that stuff unless it completely interests me, In which case then I can go full speed ahead like a laser.
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> I thought about maybe augmenting either med with something. I like my caffeine so maybe that would be a good mix with Nardil. I like to drink on the weekends so then that would maybe be a better mix with Parnate? Or maybe if I just took Parnate and then took a GABA supplement? Im having a really hard time deciding. Another one of my symptoms is making decisions I cant make them for the life of me no matter how simple or how hard, I analyze every single detail and outcome down to the freakin microfiber. And then I just end up not making a decision at all and doing nothing. Im sure either of these meds will make me better off than I am now, but would still like to go the better route.
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> My goal is to rid this depression completely, move to my paradise in a diff state, and build a new friendship circle and life and be very social, but also clear headed and able to get tasks done. Then start chasing my life interests. Can you guys post your experiences on the meds and your dose? And what you think I should try? I am very grateful to have found this board for once I feel like I am finally going to be normal and live a life. Ive been at the point now where Im afraid to be normal and happy because to me that is NOT normal. I know many of you here relate to much of this, and even more so than I. And I tell you I have NO IDEA what normal is but I can imagine. Also I am not meaning to sound as if my symptoms are any better or worse than anyone else as we all got our stuff. Im just lookin for help. So I thank all you guys.
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> I know thats long, I'm very greatful to whoever can help.
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> Cheers.Parnate is supposed to have less sides especially in regards to weight gain and sexual dysfunction. You could augment parnate if needed with low dose klonopin or neurontin. But see how parnate works alone. You may not need anything.
poster:bulldog2
thread:877485
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090104/msgs/877503.html