Posted by Joe64 on December 5, 2009, at 20:01:59
I have this habit of firing / running away from my Therapist. If I perceive the smallest slight or invalidation imagined or real does not matter from my perspective I run. After a few days I contact her my tail between my knees and ask to continue. I am a middle aged man and survivor of SA as well as more then I am going to get into here except fear of Abandonment was worse. The abandonment led me into being SA'd. In the past year I have done to my T 3 or 4 times. It is like I start reacting like a young child full of fear trying to protect myself from being abandoned all over again. It takes me 4 or 5 days to start responding like an Adult again.
I started therapy comparing a therapist to a prostitute. I think I may have shocked her with that. Saying they are there as long as they are being paid. I told her at any point I can turn my back and not even feel anything beyond a brief moment that day and then nothing. I warned her I am difficult and I had been in therapy another time for over 7 years. So I digress again. I am expecting her to have had enough of me between the testing and the running. It is to the point when I quit her response to me is that it is my decision to make. I want more compassion but in reality I doubt it matters to her one way or another. Cold and professionally detached. I hate that professional detachment. Like I don't matter. A bug on the wall. I don't know what to think but I do know It probably will happen again as I am screwed up. Funny how all of this going on on the inside and the facade of manager, husband, Father just keeps going. Probably until I get better or I stop being a coward about just ending things. I have no real hope of getting better but am still stupid enough to keep trying.
poster:Joe64
thread:928239
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20091127/msgs/928239.html