Posted by greywolf on March 29, 2010, at 20:28:49
In reply to Re: When is it time to give up on all the meds?, posted by bleauberry on March 28, 2010, at 7:52:54
A couple years ago I ended up with an infection of part of my heart. Not pneumonia or anything like that. During my hospital stay they tested me for everything they could think of because I also had an unusual degree of bronchial inflammation that did not respond to normal asthma medications. Plus, we're in tick territory and there was some thought about Lyme disease.
Probably didn't get tested for everything under the sun, but this is clearly heavily anxiety driven. When, on top of a manic phase, every day you experience hundreds of instances of blasphemous thoughts or indepently appearing thoughts concerning the deaths of your children, parents, and family (accompanied every time with vivid images of such deaths in all their variety), the cumulative effect is horrible.
Sometimes, usually towards the end of the day, I start shaking and crying before going into a full-blown panic attack. Often the thing that gives me the most immediate and effective release from the incredible build-up of self-hatred is mutilation. I try to avoid it, but some days I just need to attack myself as a means of seeking forgiveness for all the terrible thoughts that plague me throughout the day.
That type of stuff isn't fungus/toxin driven. It's a persistent and particularly difficult form of OCD that is difficult to cure. I'm going to Harvard next month to meet a psychologist who is well known for treating blasphemous thoughts and who was formerly a Catholic priest. Hopefully he'll be able to reach me with some techniques that will diminish the ridiculous effects of this confluence of anxiety-producing behaviors.
Greywolf
poster:greywolf
thread:940928
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100328/msgs/941368.html