Posted by Enigma on November 23, 2010, at 10:55:03
In reply to Re: Need treatment resistant deppression pro in MA/NH, posted by creepy on November 23, 2010, at 9:45:48
> Your post sounds like me, minus the wife and kids. I avoided those due to PTSD. I dont want to flip out on someone I love and I cant always control it.
My irritability came back after years of it being gone, and after my "wife" started treating me like crap - like the person that ruined her life (when it's the other way around), I completely lose it on her. I scream and yell the worst things, right in front of the kids. I don't feel bad about hurting that witch, but I don't like the kids involved in any way. I actually don't even speak to her anymore and sadly, we live in the same house. She has no money to leave (and won't even go to her parents for a while and give me some peace from her madness), and I don't want to leave my kids. It's a no win situation.
It's really like being in hell.Everyone that pisses me off is out of my life. I burn bridges with a flame-thrower. I don't really have any regrets there though, because all those people did is let me down, continuously, hurt me, lied to me, used me, there weren't real friends, and so on, even through I was a stellar friend. I think people only hurt you more when you are "too good" to them. Makes no sense, but it's what always happened to me. Luckily, I never lose it on the kids, but have been meaner to them than I'd like to be on some occasions.
> Ive had issues with doctors too. Suffering while waiting months for appointments, being taken off of medications that were working (and being lied to about the reasons why). Its bad..Yeah, I completely hear you there.
> And the timing is the worst part. Because you feel like total crap and youre struggling just to ask for help, it makes it feel so much worse when they turn you down.
Tell me about it. Asking for help isn't easy, because even the people that "help" people for a living, still look down you and think you are weak and broken. Makes me want to hurt them, any way I can. I found out that the hard way, by doctors talking behind my back to other doctors, to my wife, stuff they just admit to me. It's unreal.
What kills me is that they keep telling my wife (when we used to go to appointments together) how bad it must be for her. Amazing. No one ever said, wow, your wife sounds awful (and she is and was), and feels bad for the crap I have to deal with from her. Even doctors stereotype you as "the sick one" and think everyone else is perfect, when they are far from it. At least one therapist told me I need to get as far away from her as possible. Finally.
I really wish it were that simple. Killing myself would do it, but then my kids would suffer, it's still my plan though. Just have some stuff to take care of first. Legal stuff, my will, estate garbage, etc. I'm going to leave her nothing, and everything to the kids, even though they can't touch the money until they are 18. I struggle with that every single day, hurting my kids by committing suicide. I go back and forth with the decision several times each day. I want to die, badly. Have for years. I enjoy nothing. I hate living. I suffer needlessly. I can't work or even "do" anything constructive. I barely sleep. I can't even pass the time because I don't enjoy doing "anything" anymore, and hate everyone.
Now I have to "carry" this woman who ruined my life, for another 20 years? I don't think so. She's going to get mostly ALL of the custody, if not 100%, because she's a witch, the system is BROKEN, and she's gonna paint a picture of me of being a complete loser (her lawyers will, which sadly enough, I'll end up paying for - isn't that the sickest thing you ever heard?), and mentally ill, so that's not gonna help. Funny, she has no problem spending all the money I get for being sick though.. my disability. It keeps her alive, fed, sheltered, etc, yet she trashes me and my illness all the time. She's not human. Not anymore.
She doesn't even think she's being mean/spiteful and 100 other terrible things. That's what really blows my mind. Just like my mother.. she would punch you in the face, for no reason, you'd get ripping mad, then 10 mins later she's acts like everything is fine, and is astounded that you're actually angry about what she did to you and calls YOU crazy. It's mind-numbing and causes no end of rage. An apology?? Yeah right. First they would need to be capable of seeing that they are at fault, which they can't, let alone try to apologize for what they did. I never thought I would have another person in my life like that, that I'm stuck with and can't get rid of.
> Sometimes the options they give you are awful and they skip right over things that youd like to try. Youre at the mercy of their past experience here, and how well it fits your case.
>
> Heres my advice: be careful how you phrase medication requests. Even if a drug is totally benign, some docs will think youre 'drug-seeking' or have some sort of control struggle with them.Believe it or not, I have had several "doctors" where I was the one that actually suggested the meds to, then I would then get scripts for. This is a mixed bag though - actually worse, as I'm sick on top of everything, and I have to be my own doctor - and - it's easy to miss certain side-effects of meds, when you're desperate to feel better, and take the drugs anyway, then you suffer from severe side-effects, because your so-called "doctor" has NO experience with the meds they prescribe you, but prescribe them anyway...
I never got warnings of side-effects from almost all my doctors. Amazing.I would rather be depressed than have the two major side-effects from Nardil I still have, and I've been off the drug for about 3 months now. I think they are permanent (at least that's what people here tell me). At least the weight finally came off when I stopped it. I wish I never touched Nardil now. No doctor here, out of like 6-8 of them, ever even prescribed an MAOI and none of the doctors knew any of the side-effects. Most of them knew NOTHING about most of the side-effects from any drug I ever got from them. I really don't know how that's possible, but they didn't. Don't they have other patients? Learn from them? Do any research? One side effect makes life unbearable 1/2 the time, and the other makes it impossible for me to even date. I don't even want to get into it.
> Also, you -need- a therapist if you dont have one already. you need some support when youre dealing with all this crap. And when you DO find a med combo that lifts the depression you have to work hard in therapy to keep that gain going.
They don't help me. I'm too smart for my own good. I always know what they are going to say and they quickly realize, after talking to me, that I'm 100% aware of everything that's happening to me, and know they can't help me, and they literally stop trying, even just after 1-2 visits. Most won't even suggest I make another appointment because, like I said, they realize it's just wasting time for both of us.
Support would be nice, but I'm not gonna pay someone to insult my intelligence... See, I have no friends, can't date (for reasons I don't want to get into), and my "family" is a complete joke. All 2 of them. I have no extended family in this country, so that sucks too.
The therapists know they can't create friends for me, the perfect love of my life, restore my interest in *anything*, and so on, and they know that's what I want, and what I need. They have no idea what to even suggest for me. Shrinks don't either.It's a pretty hopeless situation. All I have to look forward to is selling my house (losing MY house - it's paid for!!! and I'm gonna lose it), lose 80k on the house price because of the economy - Yeah, I REALLY want to take a loss on my house... Losing custody of my kids. If I'm LUCKY I will get them every other weekend. That's 4 whole days a MONTH. 4 effing days!! I'm only ALIVE for THEM as it is, and it's been the only reason I've stayed alive this long.
Then there's all my "stuff" I'm going to lose 1/2 of, and whatever else I don't feel like mentioning. Then support the lazy B for 10-20 more years? Yeah, right, I'd rather swallow a cannonball.I finally found a potential person to hang out with, but I honestly don't care anymore and pretty much scared him off. I can't go "there" again.. try to befriend someone, then they find out I'm "depressed" or "bipolar" and <poof!> they are gone like a magic act. I'd rather not try anymore than be hurt for the 10,000th time by people like that. So many people have used me and dumped me when they no longer needed me it's hard to believe. I can't go through that again. I not only have 0 faith in people, I hate them. I believe most everyone is a selfish bastard and want nothing to do them with anyone. Past experience of having "friends" for 25 years has taught me that. Women have been cruel and mean for no reason - oh because an "older" guy wanted to have a conversation. Every girl things you want to "be" with them, when 99% of the time, I just want to talk to someone. Forget that at 40, even though I look more like 30. Doesn't matter.
So, every day I try to figure out when the best time is to finally exit my life. Now all I have is hate, added on to my mania, depression, etc, which causes me no end of pain.
poster:Enigma
thread:958564
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20101117/msgs/971078.html