Posted by merpmerp on November 30, 2010, at 14:03:31
In reply to Re: Need help approaching pdoc, posted by Phillipa on November 30, 2010, at 0:11:09
This is a bit of a rant, I apologize but I am feeling sooo angry at the moment.
I am sleeping okay, except for last night (because I was very hungry for some odd reason, nothing to do with anxiety).
I do have benzos (Klonopin), which I use rarely, but I'm glad they're there for emergencies.
However it's irritating because I never in life had a panic attack before this whole SSRI mess started a year and a half ago, and instead of listening to me saying that the med is the problem, the doc threw more meds at me (also wanted to give me beta blockers, I said no) and then when I complained of the apathy and inability to focus, wanted to give me Ritalin despite the fact that I have never in life had the apathy as a problem either, before this mess.
She believes that this is all my anxiety, getting worse, and she thinks I need a higher dose of Lex to counteract that despite the fact that I never had panic like this EVER before this med go round. Like a idiot I believed her and believed I must be getting worse, that I must be a truly hopeless case. But with each time we've decreased the dose of Lexapro (previously Prozac) I've felt better, and each time we've increased it I've felt worse. I'm a Ph.D. student, I can figure out the trend here from the data points.
It's taken me far too long to connect the dots and be assertive but the more I think about it the more infuriated I become. I've been living in a drug-addled haze for a year and a half because I tried to do the right thing and obey my doctor exactly, instead I am not improving and my doc is adding more meds to counter the side effects of this med. I barely made it through my qualifying exams last year because I was on 10 mg/day of Lex and so sick I literally could barely study. I barely remember anything of that.
I have reduced the dose to 2.5 mg/day and I'm pretty determined not to go back up again for any reason. I am gathering some medical papers to show her and explain what I think is going on and why.
One thing to clarify: I do not believe now that I am depressed. I believe that if I came off the Lex right now, I'd be fine. However, I have had three depressive episodes with increasing severity over the last 8 years (~2 years apart each time), and what I am looking for is a low maintenance dose of something to help act as a preventative measure, which I could quickly increase if my doc and I saw that I was slipping. I have a much older brother and sister who have suffered episodes of unipolar depression/anxiety throughout their lives, I am trying to prevent myself from having any more severe episodes.
There has been a stress trigger for each of my episodes, they don't just come entirely out of no where, but my reaction to stressful events seems exaggerated and I do believe that I need meds to calm it. (I am also in CBT therapy.)
So I feel that I definitely do not need a high dose of anything at this point. I just wasn't sure if it was clear, but I do not believe that there is any underlying depression at this time to treat.
Diagnosis: recurrent melancholic depression
Meds: Lexapro since Sept. 2009
poster:merpmerp
thread:971808
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20101117/msgs/971961.html