Posted by floatingbridge on April 30, 2011, at 12:34:16
In reply to May Day, posted by floatingbridge on April 29, 2011, at 15:13:39
Hey Phillipa & MT Dew,
Life really isn't better. I am in bed 3/4 time. I don't go out unless absolutely necessary. I don't call people. I feel depressed again, certainly physically, but when I notice my avoidant behaviours, well, I just don't muster anything to counter. My relationship with my pdoc had dissolved, and that's that.
I feel like something isn't right. And I don't know how to get treatment, if I want treatment, what to treat.
I hate meds. I've tried doxepin (so awful. I was supposed to keep taking it, I know.). For some reason the gp & pdoc nixed amitriptyline ('harsh' sides? ).
I did call the/my pdoc and ask for a referral. The doc left a long message that we don't know yet what we are treating (after 3 years), that maoi's aren't out of the question but seem premature.
I'm finding myself not caring and staying in bed. I don't think my pdoc gets this. He gets angryish, like that will motivate me. Maybe it's his frustration. He used to think I was more capable than I am, and I can't carry that weight anymore. He dismisses any personality disorder out of hand, and says I could sell anything to get the treatment I think I need. This really hurts because I take that as that I'm manipulating him. I don't want him to be able to be manipulated. I don't want to 'sell' or manipulate. I want to feel reasonably better.
So all the meds piled on me didn't really help. There were too many. But now I face total abstinence, and I'm afraid that I'm overshooting the wash time and now just falling backwards. Then some people who know me here probably know I can handle distress poorly.
I have a kid, and this is the first time I can't whip myself out of bed. This really scares me.
And while I refuse to entertain SI on principal, there is a rock bottom hopeless ness that is becoming clearer. I don't like that. Aren't these warning signals? Or should I wait like I'm being told to by all three doctors, gp, pdoc, osteo?
Ironically, my pdoc says I am too dependent on doctors. But I can't write a scrip? I don't want to be my own diagnostician. I can only present my symptoms to the best of my ability. Big pictures were never my strong point.
*a rose by any name
poster:floatingbridge
thread:984074
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20110418/msgs/984155.html