Posted by mellow on July 13, 2011, at 22:33:50
The last month I haven't really been feeling well. As soon as spring hit I got hypomanic as usual. It was a slow build untill I crashed with no real consequences. I stabilized quickly and felt good for a couple of months.
But slowly last month I started sliding back towards the blues. I just had this feeling of dread. It built slowly until this weekend I felt extremely anxious. I have started smoking again which doesn't help. My thoughts have been very morbid. Lots if thoughts of self harm. But mostly just real stuck in my head ruminating and very neurotic. I can't stop focusing on the depression. I feel like I'm wearing out my loved ones.
On one hand Im doing everything I can. I take my meeds and I don't fiddle too much with them. I go to my 12 step meetings and exercise regularly. I see a therapist regularly too
But lately I feel like maybe I need to toughen up. Maybe life is just hard. Maybe I have a chemical imbalance but thinking about it isn't gonna help me. I just feel so trapped like this episode is not going to budge.
I don't really feel hopeless. I know I have reasons to live and that I am loved I just can't accept my condition and suck it up enough to find my smile. Taking these meds is kind of in conflict with my faith so that's hard to get over. If they aren't even working than what the hell do I do now? I know med free doesn't work.
I'm sorry guys I normally never just come whine. But I really just need support and some help accepting that this stuff is hard and will pass.
mellow
Bipolar II
Lamictal 150, Topamax 50, Risperdal 2, Cal/Mag, D3 1000, Fish Oil 2400, High Potency Multi"We're all just walking each other home." -Ram Dass
poster:mellow
thread:990986
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20110630/msgs/990986.html