Posted by Dinah on September 27, 2011, at 8:29:16
In reply to I'm starting to regret my hate messages, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on September 25, 2011, at 23:07:22
I'm not familiar with your mother, other than that you feel like she controls your life. Is she physically or emotionally abusive?
She can't control your life unless you allow her to. So really, she has no ability to control your life at all. We've always been clear in our house that power comes with responsibility. In smaller ways, that means that my son is given more power to make choices as he shows the ability to be responsible for those choices. In a larger sense, it means that he is free from house rules when he is fully self supporting. If he is at home, he's expected to live by house rules - rules we live by ourselves, certainly. But rules we set. He's free to try to convince us to change those rules, of course. He doesn't have an absolute right to privacy, though we will respect his privacy unless we have reason to believe he is in trouble. If he goes to college on our dollar, he will show us his grades and maintain decent grades.
Those are our house rules. Once he's an adult he has the choice to live by those rules or to be self supporting and make up his own rules. He has that power.
You have that power as well. If you choose to live at home and live by your mother's rules, it makes sense to come to some degree of acceptance about that. To recognize that it is your choice. To try as an adult to convince her that some rules need to be changed, by showing her that you are responsible enough to handle that change.
If you don't choose to live by her rules, you can leave her home, leave your city, leave your state. You can then support yourself, or apply for help from the proper agency.
The first step in growing up is to recognize what choices you have and that you are living with those choices.
I think if I found out my son spoke about me as you have sometimes spoken of your mother, staying at home might not be one of his choices. On the other hand, I wouldn't speak of him that way either. Showing respect is one of the household rules that all of us are supposed to live by. I wouldn't hate him or reject him forever, and would always welcome him back if he was willing to follow house rules.
You are making a choice to stay there, Matt. Why be this angry with your mother for the consequences of your choice? You are using energy that might be more profitably utilized elsewhere.
poster:Dinah
thread:997889
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20110925/msgs/998015.html