Posted by g_g_g_unit on December 31, 2011, at 4:06:19
I'm not sure if this would be better suited to the psychology or drugs forum, but either way, I need some advice.
I apologize for such an un-festive New Year's post, but I've been struggling dearly. It's now over 30 days on a higher dose (20mg) of Lexapro, and I only find myself swinging unpredictably between extreme apathy and teary dysphoria, hounded by ever-persistent thoughts of suicide.
I've just been relentlessly butting heads with my parents over the past few days. Things are tremulous at the best of times, but I had a particularly bad spell of depression three days ago and decided to retreat to my room. Considering I suffer from OCD, ADHD, and Major Depression, there is very little I can actually *do* to preoccupy myself during the day, so I'll tend to lie in bed or spend time on the internet. Anyway, despite countless instances of trying to drive home how distressing OCD in and of itself can be, my mother refused to believe my claims that nothing else was bothering me and decided to call the psychiatric services. Thankfully, they couldn't intervene because I described having no suicidal intentions.
But regardless, that episode just made me even more resentful towards my mother. I have a strong oppositional streak and will 'cut off my nose to spite my face', and so have just taken to further isolation. My father is a passive-aggressive coward and, bereft of any real compassion, will order me to shower or tidy my room (at the age of 26), or parrot my mother and angrily declare that I have to get out of bed. This evening he screamed at me because I just said I felt like rice for dinner.
I don't understand what my parents want, to be honest. They constantly invite me to share what's on my mind, and yet when I finally do, my mother either a) completely blows up at the slightest suggestion of any fault on her part, or b) dismisses, outright, what I've just told her. My father will offer this sort of synthetic sympathy, yet curdle at any perceived challenge to his authority. Even after writing a painfully open letter to them detailing what suffering with OCD is like, none of it seems to have sunk in; the other day my mother told me I should stop moping and just be thankful I don't have cancer.
So it's no wonder I resent them! In fact, they make me feel so sick and repelled that I can barely even speak to them lately. And at the same time, I'm completely dependent on them because of my OCD (I can't work and don't qualify for disability), which makes me hate them even more. I feel so trapped and scared, with no one at all to confide in; I live in this really strange dynamic where it's like I'll be abused, regress, then be abused further for reacting to the original abuse. I have no 'voice' at home.
I guess I just wanted to know if anyone has had to deal with anything similar at home while suffering , and if they had any advice. Do you just try to keep your elders appeased, at all costs, so you have somewhere to live? What do you do with all that residual anger and hatred? Am I missing something about my own culpability here? And why am I feeling, if anything, more anxious and emotionally reactive on Lexapro (i.e. crying at the slightest affront from my parents)? I stopped Valium a week ago, so could withdrawal be a factor, or should it be out of my system by now?
poster:g_g_g_unit
thread:1005952
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20111226/msgs/1005952.html