Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on May 4, 2012, at 1:58:31
It's 1:31am, usally at night is when I have higher dopamine levels, and I post things here drbob that I wake up and say oh my god...and then try to ignore that I ever posted it. But I am going to post this because I have to get this out...regardless of how much regret I will feel in the morning.
____________________________________________I know that I have a drug problem, and it really makes me mad when everytime I try to relieve myself from this state its seen as act of an addict. I'm not gonna argue talk about it anymore because I won't make a diffrence what I say, or try to prove..I've already wrote long posts and got no responses. So I guess I'm going to have to live with this loathed label. Anyways, now like I said before my use of methamphetamine is not regular, its only occational if not vary rare, and frankly I hate to be stating this because the internet is watching and I hate to reveal something that may not even be valid because millions of people use presciption and illegal drugs, its all about the nessesity where to get it. Either way, I have say illegal and black market items the way in getting them is dirty..joe blows house of pleasure can be concrete floors, nasty nasty nasty bedrooms and bathrooms. I can't believe I have let this happen to myself, I used to be much more morally minded but since all these failure of life, and failed expectations of myself...its like that's the last resort, the badlands. This does not happen often, please do not get this confused with happening everyday or everyweek, its rare. Trying to avoid emotional distress from the result of my life...its impending to come. I mean I can't just sit in sorrow and cry, I mean good is that going to do... and I really think this is what makes my mind want to contact the spirit relm for help. But let me get to the point, today...I walked around and it's like im trying to reach God and whatever and I can't do it because my mind is in this boring mental state vary primitive like, no thoughts of intellectization or being able to sit down and read about God in theology. It's all gone...and I feel alone..I don't socialize well, even when i'm placed in a social areana, it doesnt work..i don't talk and I lose my thought processes during a conversation and jump from one subject to the next to avoid humilation. I just wished that I could figure out, how to undo all this. And its ok if you don't know how to respond to this...i just searching for something spiritual to give me hope because my earthly body has failed, not saying gonna fail for good but it feels like it because I am still in the place that I was 10 years ago...well that's all. Read it, this is my life. Goodbye.
Mattthis is something I long to do:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzMGDdUyHkQ
poster:rjlockhart04-08
thread:1017088
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20120425/msgs/1017088.html