Posted by Sheilac on March 22, 2013, at 13:37:31
In reply to Response: HELP!, posted by Sheilac on March 22, 2013, at 12:22:48
My father was severely bipolar and sexually, physically and mentally abused me and my sibling. No one knew. He was a very charming man. Maybe he wasn't bipolar, maybe he was a psychopath?
I remember being asked why I was crying (which I did a lot) when I was 2-3 and telling people I didn't know why. I now know I was very depressed and trapped.
As a teenager I had terrible depression, anxiety attacks with some OCD. There were times I would hide in the library at school and shake and cry in between classes. I pretty much isolated myself. I learned from an early age that when you go out in public you look and act fine, I still do this. Look great on the outside but I'm a mess on the inside!
I lived locked in my room until I left home. Then my father killed himself. I was the lucky one to find his body 2 1/2 months later. I can still recall the smell and what blood looked like.
Then instead of going to college with my friends I worked and found a great therapist that worked with me for a year and sent me to a doc for Prozac (all the rage back then).
After Prozac, I went to Zoloft with Trazadone and was flying high.
I had bouts of anger and rage. Pretty much a cycle of anxiety/depression/irritability and throw in some PMS!
My sibling had the ability to block out what happened (even though they were a pretty screwed up kid). Today my sibling is a raging bipolar, constantly cycling and I just try and keep the communication open. Refuses medication and doesn't believe anything is wrong. It's the rest of the world that is screwed up.
So, between my dear close relative who may die of cancer, my crazy sister and my security blanket (my beloved old dog who is the best thing in my life and isn't long for this world either), sometimes I just want to open my front door and run away as far and as fast as I can.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. So much more has happened in the past 5 years its just awful.
BUT, I look at my fathers life and now my sibling and I know for certain that meds work, even if they may not be the right ones. Which is why I can never give up.
Heck, I have to wear glasses now because Trileptal has made my vision worse.
But I do have to address the depression. It's the last nagging thing in my life.
poster:Sheilac
thread:1040857
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20130322/msgs/1040883.html