Posted by rjlockhart37 on October 20, 2014, at 23:46:16
it's 11 pm, early for me to go to bed, usally i go at 1, but things have been going good, but the only thing is anger, im just writing my thoughts, this has nothing to do with external life current, it's just the pain either turns to anger, being hurt, or violated, anger is created to resist the vunerablity.....i rather be mad than shiverring in the corner wait for something else to attack, or just basically everything that wounded me significantly in the past, i can't just be a baby and cry about it, anger and empowerment, go on the offense instead of defense.....
but still.....i always wanted to have like friends, a big brother mentor or something, take me out, have time with me, see good in me, i already had a brother, my biological brother, but i really screwed the relationship up by running away, that was the bigget failure and own self-destruction, running away only holds a cord to what ran away from, still have ties with it......and my vary brother who was the apple of my eye for a long time, i screwed it up, ther have been mnny alone times when i think of my brother.....and get vary sad because he's not there anynore......and who's choice? me.....
so......it's just all of this, my inner desire to have big brother mentorship, go to games and stuff.....but i'm out grown that.....i saw the other day one of the people i know from a program that i am in, some guy just picked him up from the campus, put his arm around him and said good to see you, for a minute i just stood there, in the chill of mement with all of the thoughts that i had wanted that.....that vary relationship of brothership, knowing that that's ooutdated and im a mid twenties, and they where around 19 or 20.....
well....don't wanna spill my emotional beans on this post, like i did many years ago with boy cried wolf, thats just......what i feel, and i want to let all of it go, there's nothing in benefit dwelling on this....the best things that someone can do is to know they can change who they are, and know and say "i wont stay in this place, it's a valley that keeps getting deeper, the only to get out of it, is to climp out, use new techbiques to get out of helplessness"
alot of people depressed feel helplessness, and like i said, start everyday redoing thinking
still......it's hard, but no one said easy
i don't know....
end....logging out...
r
not a scholar but understand distress.....
"unheard pain, is the told through good company"
poster:rjlockhart37
thread:1072627
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20141017/msgs/1072627.html