Posted by Meltingpot on February 23, 2016, at 12:21:14
In reply to Re: Can people relate to this? To Scott » Meltingpot, posted by SLS on February 22, 2016, at 6:55:57
Hi Scott,
I'm ok, in that life is bearable but I've never felt really well over the last 15 years or anything like the sense of well being I experienced when I took antidepressants in my 20s. The improvement I had was dramatic, more than I could wish for and that was just one the lowest dose.
Now when I take a low dose I feel worse. Since getting depressed again at 35 (15 years ago approx.) I've experienced horrendous symptoms on antidepressants. The drugs that used to take me to heaven seemed to take me to hell. I thank God for Zyprexa over the years as it has got me out of some really tough times.
I'm ok at the moment in that my life is bearable and I am able to get on and do things but I often feel uncomfortable in myself, I never feel completely relaxed and I wouldn't say I ever experience joy and don't laugh nearly as much as I used to.
I've tried all sorts of augmentation stratgegies, I've tried ketamine and I plan on trying magic mushrooms and would consider DBS when they know more about it.
The thing is the worse I feel the less capable I feel of carrying out suicide. When I got very bad at 35 on holiday all I could think about was how to kill myself and I just couldn't imagine doing any of the available options, I don't know how to tie a noose and can't imagine doing that, I couldn't bring myself to slash my wrists, I can't imagine drowning myself but I could imagine taking a load of pills to put myself to sleep. When I am very bad I don't have the energy or inclination, the calmness (or even the will) to work out what tablets to take and how to take them so I kind of think whilst I am calm and in control I should set about having some sort of plan in place.
This might sound ungrateful as I'm not doing too badly but I would just like to know that I have a plan and a method. I would never carry out the plan, when I'm desperate I will always keep trying something else but it would just be reassuring to know that I have something there.
Denise
poster:Meltingpot
thread:1086353
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20160131/msgs/1086463.html