Posted by Susan47 on May 7, 2005, at 11:57:02
In reply to Re: Some Reading Material I picked up » Susan47, posted by Spriggy on April 20, 2005, at 13:52:08
> I think maybe I should tell you this so that you know you aren't alone.
>
> No other parent has ever confessed this to me outloud so maybe I'm treading into new (and mucky) waters.. BUT I think it should be said that there are times when you deal with a difficult child (whether it through disability or emotional needs) that you will find yourself almost wishing your child was not there.
>
> There was one summer when my son was so bad with his autism, that I could not leave the house with him. He literally would not leave the house for 2 months- when I would try, he would SCREAM and flip out at EVERY sound in the outside world.
>
> I remember crying a whole lot that summer and feeling so frustrated. My whole life began to revolve around my son and this disability. I was worn out, weary, and just flat out angry about it.
>
> Anyway, I said all that to be honest and say, I can remember during that very, very hard time with him, I wished him away.. Not necessarily "dead" but I remember feeling SUCH HORRENDOUS GUILT because I thought things like, " Imagine how my life could be if I had never had him, etc.."
>
> I later realize- now looking back- that was just a very real, human response to the intense stress I was under from caring for him.
>
> It is normal to feel that.
>
> I don't have those feelings anymore but I think it was a part of my process of accepting his disability and the degree it was.
>
> He is 10 and I still change diapers, give him baths, dress him, brush his teeth, and even feed him (with certain foods).
>
> It is NOT an easy task for any mother to endure a challenging child.
>
> Don't feel guilty for wanting to run away. It has crossed my mind at times as well.
>
> I'm just sorry. I know it hurts.
I can't believe how much you have to go through, Spriggy.
I don't know if I would have your strength.
Before you ever did this, before this happened to you,
did you ever imagine that it would? Did you know you had
this strength? Did you know you would be able to stick this through in spite of all the heartache and hard work and frustration? Did you know you'd feel both love and hate so closely, so intensely, and that in the end love would always win.. did you know you were so strong?
Because I don't need to wonder, I don't need to know, not now, not yet, and I feel incredibly lucky, and in a way really sad for you, and awestruck by you as well.
I hope you get breaks, do you get any help from a health agency or support program?
poster:Susan47
thread:484421
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/child/20050226/msgs/494856.html