Posted by shrinking violet on December 2, 2004, at 10:40:09
Hi everyone,
I'm glad we now have a place to discuss ED issues. :)
I don't want to make this post longer than need be (as I usually do. And I'm at work, so I need to be quick).
To the point: How do you get past the fear of eating and weight gain? Is it possible?
My school (I'm a grad student at Uni) is pretty much forcing me to seek treatment over the winter break. Ideally they would want me to go inpatient, but I absolutely refuse, so I'm going to try the partial program. But, I've been there twice already; the first time I bugged out after an hour, the second time I lasted two days. This time though, if I leave again I'm probably going to get thrown out of school as I've continued to lose weight and become borderline medically unstable, so if I don't do something quick, I'm going to get thrown out and I only have one semester left.
But I don't see how this time is going to be any different than the other two. Mainly because I'm not sure what the hell it is that I want, so I'm not sure I even *want* treatment, although now I'm contracted to stay with my treatment team at school so, again, I have no choice right now. I'm SO afraid to go back to the program though, and I doubt my "team" is going to be able to prepare me enough in the next few weeks; that's only, what, about 3 or 4 therapy sessions? And I'm afraid to even tell them how afraid and unsure I am, b/c it may seem like I'm being too resistant, etc, and I'd hate to give them any more ammunition right now. As far as eating...ugh, I'm nowhere near where the program is going to expect me to be when I get there (they have supervised breakfast and lunch, and they expect 100% of food to be eaten right off or else they make a huge stink about it). My nutrtionist is really nice, but she can't work miracles, and she can't really eat the food for me, either. :(
I don't know what to do. I'm so scared right now. I feel like I'm being choked. I want to want this, but I don't. The little part of me that wanted something "better" has pretty much given up, I think. And I'm so tired of fighting myself, you know?
Thanks for reading. I'm sorry this was longer than I intended.
SV
poster:shrinking violet
thread:423322
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20041128/msgs/423322.html