Posted by Racer on February 2, 2005, at 13:45:37
I'm musing on this a lot right now, because of all the problems I'm having with recovery. Since I'm having so much trouble figuring out what it is that makes being slim so damned important to me, I thought I'd post it here as a challenge to us all.
The best I can say about my weight is that Calvin has a hell of a lot to answer for! I've got this overwhelming sense that being overweight is sinful, that eating until you're full is a sign of sinful self-indulgence, and that it's a sure sign of moral turpitude. You know, one should always work just a bit harder than one can, eat a bit less than one needs, etc. Hunger is a sign of moral rectitude.
Beyond that, there's a part of me that desperately needs to feel attractive, which to me still means slim. Actually, it means "built in a manner other than the way I am built", but it's the same sort of thing. I've got a barrel chest and big boobs, which makes me look even heavier than I am. I'm also very short waisted, with my waistline up around my ribcage, which makes me a bit disproportionate. My arms are short, my legs are crooked, and I have a prominent nose. Somehow, people still think of me as attractive, though.
There's something else, too, that I know is involved: it used to be that every sexual partner I had said, at some point, some variation on "you're so tiny!" I loved hearing that, and pleasing them. I know that that's somewhere in my sickness.
I also know that all those things that were said to me when I was young are still there -- the comments and teasing I got at home and at school about being a fat kid. Looking back, it wasn't so much fat as fuel, since I grew like an accordian -- not much growth for a few years, while I got chubby, then a spurt of growth, then more fueling up. What's more, pictures of me as a kid all show that I didn't get chubby all over -- only my mid section. I know that I was anxious and depressed through a lot of my childhood, mostly anxious, so maybe it was hypercortisolemia? Maybe the chubby tummy has something to do with major abdominal surgery when I was a child? I did so many thousands of sit ups and crunches throughout the years, only to have strong back muscles, and a sloppy stomach. Who knows?
So, what does your body weight mean to you? And did you get teased or criticised for your body when you were young?
poster:Racer
thread:451802
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20041128/msgs/451802.html