Posted by Racer on April 2, 2005, at 14:07:56
In reply to I never wanted this ED, posted by Maxime on April 1, 2005, at 22:41:35
> How could I let this take over my mind? How did this mushroom so quickly? I hate it, and yet I don't want to let go.
>
> I made the mistake of trying on clothes yesterday. I broke down crying in the changing rooms. I am so fat. I hate my body so much.
>
> Lost
None of us want our eating disorders, Maxi, but we get them anyway.My experience, though, tells me that most all the people I've met with EDs are smart, talented, gifted, and generally really incredible people. Kind of goes along with the ED, in that it really is amazing that we could find these behaviors -- which are so contrary to nature, if you think about it -- which are so effective in reducing our anxieties. Think about it: ED behaviors are so adaptive for us, yes? Now think about it from an ethological point of view: how amazing that we could come up with behaviors so far removed from natural responses and yet they work so very well to meet our needs?
Of course, now we have to make a choice: keep using the behaviors which may no longer be quite so effective, or replace them with new, healthier, more effective behaviors.
As for your current state, have you read the study done back in about 1950 of conscientious objectors who were put on a semi-starvation diet for six months? I can't remember the study name, but it shows that most of what you're going through right now, psychologically, really is the result of starvation. Those men in that study, by the way, were eating MORE than you are, I can almost guarantee -- their intake was cut by half from their baseline intake. I believe that none ate less than 1000 calories per day. They still experienced huge psychological horror shows -- which lasted a long time after refeeding began.
Maxi, I know that you don't want to hear this, and I could accommodate your wishes and not say it -- but that would be disrespectful to you, and it wouldn't be a truly caring response. I think you already know that you need to address your ED in order to address your depressive symptoms. Until you make some behavioral changes in that area, NOTHING is likely to have any positive impact on your mood.
And you can say that I don't understand, but if you do remember this: that's disrespectful. You're invalidating my own pain and my own difficulties in working on my own ED. You're saying that, somehow, my pain in this process isn't real.
I'm here to tell you that my pain IS real. And my pain is pretty damn close to intolerable. And yes, it is my choice to address my own anorexia. It is my choice to get treatment for my ED. None of that makes it less painful. I don't hate my body any less in its new hideous fatness. Even though I know that I need to do this, and even though I can acknowledge that my mood is better BECAUSE I am doing something about nourishing my body, it doesn't make it any easier to look this much like the Venus of Willendorf.
Good luck, Maxi. I hope things get better for you soon, it's horrible to see you in such pain.
poster:Racer
thread:478782
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20050314/msgs/478987.html