Posted by tygereyes on April 17, 2005, at 22:10:27
Briefly, my story:
Became anorexic at 15. Nearly died. Slowly gained weight, with the help of my dad (who basically implemented a forced recovery state for me: cooking for me and choosing the meals I ate, not allowing me to go to the bathroom for four hours after a meal, doing room searches for laxatives and diet pills, forced weigh-ins, etc.) Became heavily bulimic at this time. Gradually it phased out.
Then I used anorexia and bulimia as coping mechanisms for years, occasionally starving or purging in response to stress, but never went fully back.
At eighteen, got addicted to drugs, weight dropped significantly. I liked it so much and would purposefully use even more to prevent hunger. Went to rehab, gained weight. During various relapses, my weight would drop and then go back up.
But even during my times of "recovery," I still craved emaciation. I still dreamed about it, still wanted it. Constantly hated my body and never accepted it at a higher weight (even though my highest all time weight was still a few pounds under the recommended weight for my height).
Then last year (age twenty-one), I started REALLY relapsing again. I didn't get as low as I was when I was fifteen, which is why my psychiatrist's and family's concern seemed so ridiculous to me. I was forced into the hospital, an ED unit.
In order to return to school, my college made me sign a weight contract. I have been remaining slightly over or under the lowest allotted number all semester and counting down the days until graduation so I can lose weight. I have NO motivation to stay at this weight and I DON'T think I was as sick as everyone said I was when I went to the hospital.
My question is: for those of you who consider yourselves "in recovery," how do you fight against the urges to go back? I feel like those urges will always be with me (and from what I've read about recovering anorectics, this is a realistic statement) and that I won't be able to fight against them even when I do want to get better.
The only motivation I have is that I'm pre-med and want to be a psychiatrist one day, and I'm very aware that I can't be an anorexic psychiatrist. But sometimes even that, even the only thing in the world that means anything to me, isn't even enough.
Kat
poster:tygereyes
thread:485668
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20050314/msgs/485668.html