Posted by Racer on September 8, 2006, at 21:15:00
I'm here as a warning to others, an object lesson, a role model for misery.
At least, my T told me last night in front of the group that, despite two people in the group saying they felt disconnected because I was crying my way through the whole group session, she was glad I was there, because seeing me was good for the other members of the group. That's when it hit me -- my purpose in life was before me all the time...
OK, so it probably wasn't so bad, and I do know that she meant it well. I wasn't bothered by it, and kinda felt OK about it. (And managed admit two things during group: that I was bothered by the casual touching from another group member, and that I felt as though I was using too much Kleenex. My T laughed and told me NOT to bring in boxes of Kleenex to make up for it, that it was OK for me to use as much Kleenex as I wanted/needed... The touching thing was uncomfortable for me, and it still feels funny to have said it to her.)
(Actually, I'm still kinda shaking and folding inwards about it...)
Anyway, the part of the group that bothered me most, I think, last night -- aside from being by far the fattest one there -- was that I was crying, and wrapped up in my own internal reality, and disconnected by all that AND still able to offer up the same sorts of things that I always do. You know, stuff I think it actually helpful. Or humorous -- I told someone what I do to try to counter the "I am a pathetic loser with no redeeming qualities" thoughts, prefacing my comment by saying, "I realize I am the poster child for lousy self esteem, but..." (Believe it or not, I do have my counter to that sort of thought. It may not be perfect, and it may not be the goal, but it helps fairly often. I think of someone I like/admire/respect, and remind myself that whoever it is likes me, thinks enough of me to be my friend. More helpful than not...)
Somehow, if I had had to curl up in the corner of the chesterfield/davenport/sofa/couch and just cry, without speaking a coherent word, I think I could have handled that better. Somehow, having that sort of disconnect bothered me a great deal -- that I could emerge long enough to speak, then submerge again. Dunno...
Maybe I feel as though I must be faking if I can do that?
poster:Racer
thread:684340
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060827/msgs/684340.html