Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 11, 2006, at 13:36:55
One of my very good friends has been increasingly incommunicato this fall. I know she's busy, but when she does go on coffee break, she often "forgets" to stop by my office to ask me too.
I think she has some private issues, but I hoped that we were close enough that she could give me a heads-up. I know we've shared a lot of personal info in the past.
Oh well... It still hurts, and I wonder why I'm not 'popular' any more. :(
More and more grad students from my cohort have been leaving for jobs and such, and so my group of happy-hour and dinner party buddies has dwindled to an alarming minority.
I don't like being lonely :(
I miss my friends, and miss the ones who are still 'here' but not 'here' get it?
Diss progress or lack thereof is always very closely correlated with my self-esteem.
Feeling sad about other stuff is always a good cue for me to feel bad about myself. I lapse into depressive self-loathing as quickly as it takes to say "I'm having a bad day".
The need to start taking BZD daily this last week is also an assault on my self-esteem. I thought I was doing better with depersonalizaton/dissociation/anxiety/panic attacks. oh well. I'm still vulnerable. very vulnerable. I HATE feeling crazy, which I spent most of the last 3 days feeling.
Another thing----
My T, and pdoc, and esp. my parents have been extremely flattering lately, saying things like I'm brave, I'm really doing well, I'm doing a lot of hard work, I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm loveable, I'm courageous, I'm creative... etc.
WHY don't these kind words matter to me? why do they feel so repulsive? SO hard to take those things to heart. I'm just about saturated. If I hear another word of it, I might just barf! but WHY?
hmm
-Ll
poster:LlurpsieBlossom
thread:712608
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20061105/msgs/712608.html