Posted by ValerieF on January 29, 2004, at 14:26:52
In reply to Re: Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help, posted by T. S. Evilsizer on January 29, 2004, at 14:01:03
Wow... that was amazing. I broke up with my ex a few months ago and I have moved one to someone new... however what you wrote was so true and gave me a lot of insight.
> I honestly think many of us have done the same exact things in our past. My ex and I got together 9 years ago this past November. The first few months we were wrapped up in love and lust like I had never known. We decided to move out of the Navy barracks and into a regular apartment. She had had a daughter by a previous boyfriend, and we wanted to bring her daughter up to live with us. After about 2 years of being together, I started having concerns that I didn't have as deep of feelings for her as she had for me. I wasn't the type to call her every chance I had, to think of nothing else but spendng time with her. During our relationship up to that point we had had times that were rather rocky. At this point however, she was so dedicated to everything about me it seemed. I didn't know how to handle it. I couldn't get out of bed one morning. I just kept thinking about my doubts and how I needed to tell her about them. I felt so strongly that I needed just a little time to find out what I was sure of wanting. I told her about my feelings and broke up with her that morning.
> I moved in from some friends of mine from my ship. She would call constantly & come over. It felt like she was refusing to give me the time I needed. I really didn't see how much her heart was breaking. Finally after me asking her for 2 weeks to just give me a few days of thought without interuption, she left me alone.
> She and one of my friends that I was staying with were very interested in each other. On the third week, I started telling them that they should go out on a date while I did my thinking. I wanted her not to suffer because of my insecurities anymore. If she had a chance to find new happiness, I wanted her to take it.
> The next week I woke up and he wasn't home. It wasn't like him not to be there at this time of day. All of a sudden my mind started being filled with thoughts of them together. I had expected at least to know that they were going out on a date or something. I drove over to our house and saw his car in the driveway. I looked through our bedroom window and saw them having sex. My heart was crushed, but I had done it all to myself. I called her later that night after he had come home and gone to bed. We decided it was time for me to come over and talk. I told her what I had seen and we went through everything that had led up to this point. We were still in love we found, but she didn't trust me unconditionally anymore. She had believed that we would always be together and I had taken that away from her.
> We got back together. Stayed together and finally got married on December 21st, 2002. We had bought a game called Everquest and started playing it. We took turns on the computer because we only had one computer at the time. In July, she told me that she had fallen in love with this guy that she plays with. They had stayed up all night and fallen in love. Prior to this, I had stopped playing the game because I had seen that we no longer spent much time together. Thinking me stopping would give us more time I had stopped playing. Instead she had stayed on more. She said that she hadn't really loved me in the past 7 years since I had left. She had hoped that it would get better with time. Even married me hoping that she could feel that way again. I was devastated to find out that she hadn't even been in love with me when we got married. I realized that she hadn't worn her wedding ring on the right finger since the day after we had gotten married. Saying that it was a size issue, yet everytime I asked her if she wanted it resized, she would say not today. She had never wanted to change her name, which was fine, not a requirement for me to love someone. I drank myself into a stupid state that night and fell to pieces. I felf so sick the next day, I couldn't go to work. She had decided to leave at te end of the week since she would have to wait for payday to buy her plane ticket. I lost 10 pounds that week. I couldn't eat or sleep. I didn't know how to or want to function at all. Our daughter was in Georgia visting her grandparents at the time. The one thing I was happy for.
> I took her to the airport and watched her walk through the gates out of my life. I saw her start to turn to wave a final goodbye. I walked away without acknowledging that I knew she wanted that final wave. This wasn't a happy farewell for me.
> I was alone now after years of having a family to take care of. It was so dead quiet. I also had to hurry and get out of our apartment. I couldn't afford it by myself. Everything that I had wanted and trusted for so long was no more. My life had left me, and honestly, I didn't want to live anymore. I hated feeling so bad. I blamed myself for everything. In my mind I deserved to be so miserable. I couldn't stop hurting and basically had a mental breakdown. I continued working. When I would feel like it was getting to much for me to think, I would take a 15 minute break and write a poem or something about my feelings. I would come back to my desk and just put them on poetry.com. It became a way for me to store my feelings without storing them in my mind. It was almost like letting them go.
> I would call her up as often as possible and try to be the friend. Having hopes that this guy she had met on the internet wouldn't be everything she expected. I would be there to help her through the breakup and she would fall in love with me again. She kept telling me how happy she was. It always hurt so much to hear that.
> It's now the end of January. I've seen a few girls. I haven't really found anyone new. I've found someone that I love as my friend and realized that that's where my next relationship needs to start. She's currently my best friend going through her own breakup right now in fact. We've actually got a little group of broken hearts now it seems having another friend going through a horrible breakup also. I went to Georgia to see my daughter for Christmas and the ex was there with her boyfriend. They were all over each other. It made me realize how happy she really is. It also made me realize how little she cared for my feelings at that point. I'm now over it.
> My whole point in telling you all of this is that you really cannot go back to how things were. If you get back together with someone, you both cannot look for what you once had. Make something new and better. My point of view is once you've broken up, no matter how much it hurts, neer go back. You had a reason to leave and you'll never believe that one or both of you won't leave again. I felt like I had wasted 9 years of my life being with her at first. Now I realize that I had nine years of being with someone that I had loved. I'm thankfull for that now. I have a beautiful daughter that calls me dad. I have a family that has changed from calling me son-in-law to son. My life will never be what it was and I still miss it so much. I still feel lonely every night when I go to sleep. Then lonely when I wake up the next day. Life can never be what it once was, we must stop living in our pasts. If our future is ever going to have happiness in it, we have to live. We must move forward and create new lives for ourselves. The past must fall into being a memory, not continue being our present. Not being something that we're looking for again. We'll all find love again, at least I hope so. It has to be different. Don't try to repeat what we once had. Make it something new and so much better. It'll hurt for awhile. Not forever, that I can promise. It will fade, it's just not an instant type of thing though. it takes time to go fade into the past. Just stay strong. Because you will be happy again.
poster:ValerieF
thread:269576
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/306916.html