Posted by saw on November 12, 2004, at 3:51:58
Hello everyone
Well, I have just finished designing the order of service phamplets. Actually, they are not that, they're simply a Celebration of His Life. Dad would die all over again if there was an "order of service".
I am very good on the computer with these sorts of things (another talent from Dad) and feel very honoured to have offered this little act of love. They look nice with a photo of him with his beloved miniture railway coaches on the front and back. Trains and builing model railways were his passion. It wasn't as hard to do as I thought.After I went back to the hospital on Wednesday, it became clear that time had run out. I am so glad that I decided to go back so early. I would not have been there when he took his last breath if I had stayed at work.
I sat with him for the rest of the afternoon, just holding his hand. (I had no idea he looked after his nails like that!!) At 3pm the nurse said that it was now critical and that it would be indignant to prolong his suffering. The medications were slowly turned off. He was really battling to breath, even with the ventilator. While the ventilator was not switched off, it was turned down very, very slowly, so as not to cause him any discomfort as his breathing became more laboured. At about 4.15, we knew it was minutes. His wife could not cope with the gasping and did not want to see him die so she waited outside. At this point, he was still fighting a bit. I went close to his ear and whispered that it was ok to go. I told him that he was not failing anyone by giving up the struggle. That it really was ok to end the suffering. I promised that I would look after myself, my brother and his wife. He died 10 minutes later.
The lights were dimmed and the alarms on the machines were switched off and at 4.40pm I held and kissed dad's hand and looked into his face as he took his last breath. I stayed with him a while then left for the usual phone calls etc. Thank you vwoolf for helping with babble. After my husband, babble was the very second "person" to learn of his passing. He had been cleaned up and the pipes removed at this point and I went back to spend more time with him. He looked peaceful. He was clammy but so warm. So warm. I could still smell the dove soap smell of him on my hands the next day.
I kept my composure throughout. Of course I cried but I realise now just how much strength I used to remain the supportive one at the hospital. I only allowed myself to breakdown later that night. I have coped with all of this even though I am inbetween medication!!
This is an experience that will be with me for the rest of my life. After the gut wrenching sobs and pain pain pain, goodness my heart felt just quite crushed, I can turn around and say that it was indeed an honour and a priveledge to be with him as he took his last breath. It still feels so surreal. I know I am going to cry a lot more. Monday is going to be hard. A very simple, poignant service has been planned. Dad was not at all religious so we have chosen a humanitarian to officate. He was not a flower person so we will decorate the chapel with some of his train coaches. We have placed his unopened magazine that he was waiting for and that arrived the day after he died in his casket. We will light some candles and might even burn insence. He liked incense.
I am fairly composed today but feel very numb. I didn't think I would, but I miss him terribly. I am storing up some more strength cells for Monday. I will not break down when I sing. I will not!
Like a fire sputtering a last few sparks, I have also fizzled out. I don't know what more to say even though I have so much more to say.
In celebration and loving memory of my father, who was only 58, I dedicate this to him.
Sabrina
Thank you for listening
poster:saw
thread:414868
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20040811/msgs/414868.html