Posted by corafree on January 11, 2006, at 15:50:53
I still cry, sometimes during the day, but mostly at bedtime.
My dad was the only man 'that loved me' .. I mean the 'whole me'.
My first husband loved my looks and personality, but left me when I began to have crying spells, saying "I won't stay married to a girl that can't 'maintain' (Smoke weed and be coomfortable.) and worst of all, needs to see a psychiatrist (re: crying spells). My first and most innocent love left me and is now living in CO happily married.
What followed were men who liked the way I looked (but my personality had been damaged somewhat by the loss of my husband) and I could 'pull off' happy for them, but when they saw the sad side, there they went.
I've had five long term relationships. Three marriages. Lived w/ father of one of my children 2-3 years. Most recent, a charmer who I fell for ... then he finally fell for me. But he has/had some bad qualities and is hard on my nerves. I cannot be with him for more than a day or two. He is hypermanic. I learned after falling in love w/ him he was a meth addict.
I would say I have seen love come and go for five long stints.
In between these stints, my father was always there .. rain or shine, come home and regroup he'd say. I miss him so very much. He would always give me that look .. 'it's so good to see you and I'm happy you're here' look.
My heart still aches. I feel more like I was his wife, than his daughter. My mother wanted to divorce him. Someone told me that he had said, 'I'd like to leave everything I have to the one who knows me best, my daughter, who lives in (State). He was referring to me. This didn't happen of course.
Do you think a father could be your best friend, your role model, your soulmate?
I feel 'like a widow'. Like, the love of my life is gone, and no one will ever measure up to him.
I could put on fancy clothes and makeup and go out, but I don't like to drink much anymore, and I have been spoiled. I expect much from a man.
Play try to find a chuch where am comfortable.
Basically, I've just been 'so sad', still, after nearly two years.
I'm sorry if this sounds in any way incestuous .. it's nothing like that at all.
(((To all of you who've lost a loved one.)))
poster:corafree
thread:598010
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20051017/msgs/598010.html