Posted by honeybee on June 11, 2006, at 13:36:50
Outside, the wind tousles the kelly green oak leaves, basking in the sun. It makes a lovely whispering sound outside my apartment window, dampening the city noise beyond it.
But still, today, I'm mourning. This latest incarnation of my depression has robbed me of so much. Of my daily yoga practice that energized me or relaxed me every day. Of nights meeting up with friends and laughing with them over drinks or chatterings or smatterings of food. Of desire, of sex, of the familiar longing that I used to feel when I saw my husband across the room. Of my sense of humor, and quick smile, and gentle joking. Of my inquisitiveness, and my interest in reading. Of my quite-on-my-feet understanding. Of my memory.
I'm mourning so much. So many people here seem to get well, too, even though I know some people struggle for a long time. I hope that I can get well. I hope that something clicks for me, eventually. It's not even that I don't want to be depressed any more. It's that I don't want to be this depressed, this bad, this mind-numbing cognitive mess that I am. I never realized that depression could so jam the wires in the brain so much, be so crushingly physical, and hurt so. And I miss the times that I took for granted. I look back on that girl now (what few shreds I can remember) and think, How happy she looks! To be that way again...
poster:honeybee
thread:655518
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20051017/msgs/655518.html