Posted by HappyWildflower on March 30, 2006, at 10:43:13
In reply to Re: As i open up to my therapist she backs off...sad, posted by milly on March 29, 2006, at 7:44:33
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> > awe... Hi milly - that was so sweet of you, i'm smiling sitting here, with a child like grin on my face.
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> **Aw that makes me feel good to know I could make you smile, thanks~~~Hi Milly 9 I like your name) - Glad u feel good making me feel good, it's a nice wee chain of feeling good! I'm not sure if i'm doing this chain thing right , I mean answering after each line you said last like the way you did with my previous msg, so let me know how it goes at your end when you see this please. ( i think it's a good way to write to each other , cos i can see your q's and answer them one by one. (lest i forget what you've asked/said) ~~
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> > It's now 11pm, an I've been writing nearly all day since 3pm. I write about all the things I'm feeling etc. in a book for my T to read.
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> ** Does she read it all or do you keep some stuff back?~~~I usually keep some stuff back. I have a few books going at the same time, but Tuesday I just let off alot of steam and trasferred alot of stuff from weeks ago into the book I give to her along with a whole lot of anger and critisism. I don't know what you'll make of that? Anyway I told her where i was feeling hurt and pinpointed the area in the session where it happened, so that i'm doing my part in working towards rpairing it. If she doesn't know i'm hurting how can she decide if she's going to work through it with me , or not. so, I gave her the run down from my angle and asked her to do what she could to repair the damage. ~~
> >I like to write.
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> ** Yep writings good it helps to get things sorted in my head I find~~~ I' glad to find a fellow writer - currently I'm writing in a few small A5 lined notebooks. On Tues I wrote from page 73 - 121. the following day, On awakening I was still very sad, and angry with her, so, I wrote another ten pages. I felt a little clearer the following and , and as I said, able to pin point why/where the pain, and sadness was related to the session.~~
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> >But, I have made myself kinda ill a wee bit because, i have not hat a crumb to eat since 11am.
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> ** Tut tut~~~ It's so nice to hear you tut tut me, for not eating... It's what she'd say maybe not tut tut, but she'd care about it. since she's been helping me to eat something sooner on waking up instead of leaving it my usual 6 hours, and only drinking coffee. So, i'd eating a little before my appt that day, so at least I'd had breaky... and I could do with losing a few pounds - so it's not that bad now and again for me to have a fast.~~
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> >I have been feeling so sad. I have a ball of fire in my tummy feeling, and all day the burning ball of emotions have over ridden the hunger pangs which have tried to raise their voice.
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> ** that is horrid when the sadness consumes all 'normal' desires, I completly stop functioning then.~~~ I can't tell you Milly , how nice it is to talk to you and to read your replies... I am apparently so very needy right now, it's ap art of me i hate admitting to. I'm crying again now just saying it and becasuse i feel so happy to talk to you, and at the same time i hate being so needed that i'm online doing it. But I'VE BEEN SO ISLOATED FRO ALONG TIME , i DON'T REALLY HAVE ANYONE ELSE TO TRUST ENOUGH. bUT, THAT'S CARAZY TOO, TRUSTING ALL THIS OVER THE INTERNET.( sorry I hit caps lock there, it's not that i was highlinting my words) ~~
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> >I'm very in need of a hug, so thank you so much>>>> I'm crying here again, as i think how my life is so great that i'm on a blooming website taliking to someone i dont know and poring my heart out...
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> ** have a tissue, but to be heard and felt cared for by someone, does it matter if you don't 'know' me
>~~~ Thanks, Milly for the tissues, I think I need a another one, so maybe i should just hold the box for a while...To be honest, when I read your reply today and the way you did it after each line i'd wriitten, it was just so complete and nice, and i started to cry. cos here i am talking to a stranger and you arer so kind and i'm feeling so needy. How many of us go online and are so needy to the point of finding comfort and support from a feelow humane being like this?/! It's kinda crazy, in a way. But I see your point too,when you say whats wrong with being heard and feeling cared for. I'm just not used to feeling cared for. And, as you may have experienced from your own therapy, it's never long enogh in the session to talk about all the things and to fell the caring is more than just her doing her job, if you know what I mean?>
> > me thinks before I get any stiffer here, my body is tense and i my neck and back ache with th tension, I've felt all day since seeing my therapist, I will go and draw a big bubbly bath and into my pjs.
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> ** good plan I hope it helped, the bubblier the better!~~~ I'm going now for bubble bath - I got up at 9am today and went back to sleep untill 2.45pm. so it's just gone 5.30pm , and i'm going to warm up and relax, then maybe go for a wee walk before dark. ( the times on the postings are really confusing, since like you I'm in the U.K. - to read the timings they say i posted to you, makes me feel i dont know if i'm coming or going. Ha! so maybe I'll put the time at the top from now on - then again as i think it was Einstein said "Time is relative"~~ I liked Einstein!! ( not that I knew him personally, but i would have liked to have met him)
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> > thanks for the advice on posting on main board - i have not found my way around yet, but i will try again when i'm not feeing so dazedish and sorta zonked out.
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> > G -night . It's night time where i live
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> **Hope you slept well, I'm in UK so tend to be up when most others are asleep as most are in USA
> ~~~ Actually in the end i never made the bath, as it was after 1.30 am when i stopped writing. I was so tired i thought it best to bathe in the morning. My sleep was full of a mish mash of dreams centred around her, I had a busy night of it all night long.
The fact you're in the UK too makes me cry because I thought no one else would be on here from the UK so it's a sort of overwhelmed happy cry of how can I be so fortunate to have Milly from the UK, just pass by the new babies chat room, on the exact day i wrote my very 1st posting. I am very grateful for you being so considerate and doing that. I still haveent't even worked out how to go to the main posting board. But I've been reading it for around 9 months now, and have come to recognire some of their names, like crushed out etc, and I expect they'll be in the USA. ~~
> > Take care and hope to speak again soon ~~
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> ** Take care Happywildflower
> milly
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>~~~ Thank you Milly - Thanks very much for making the effort. I'm feeling very fragile right now and you have been a comfort i can tell you!!! Byeee for now --Happywildflower ~~p.s. i have started my sentences with 3 of these wee squiggly lines~~~ and ended then with 2 ~~ I hope this helps make it easier for you to read this way.
~~~p.p.s. i was just thinking before I go, how verry nice it would be if you would like to write something to me about yourself - I don't mean in a desriptive, I'm blued eyed and blond way. I mean is there anything I could maybe help you with by listening to you and your therapy experience right now?? anyway here's abig SMILE from me to you Milly **S*M*I*L*E**
poster:HappyWildflower
thread:625523
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/newbs/20060108/msgs/626556.html