Posted by Saltmarsh Rose on June 28, 2003, at 14:20:36
Hi,
I'm kind of new to Babble and posting this one here because I'm confused about these personality disorders and medical Dx's. Maybe someone has some thoughts on whether there is some validity.
Anyway, the other day I took an online test and found that I had a high probability of Avoidant Personality Disorder. I have always been oddly fearful of certain types of people and situations where I would need to speak up. My discomfort got so bad that when I was much younger I would cross the street several times in the span of minutes to avoid certain people. This went on until my twenties, even later. As a child and adolescent I had trouble making friends who stuck around. I felt safe being friends with transient kids from families who moved away, kids who had parents who were alcoholics (I later learned) or somehow dysfunctional. As I got older I desperately wanted to be a cheerleader or act in school plays but was just panic-stricken at the thought of having to get up in front of an audience. I was never in the "IN Crowd", always on the fringes.
I don't initiate friendships, and have difficulty determining when someone is sincere about being friendly or just being social in a superficial way. I have a hard time with boundaries, I am a bit too trusting and that gets me into difficult situations, usually unhealthy relationships with men, but I'm getting better there. Now, my preference is to be alone usually, it's easier than getting disappointed by "friends" and feeling left out. I've taken to make stuff up about my social life so people won't think I'm this total shlump.In addition. I have a Dx of bi-polar II but then reading about Cyclothymic Personality Disorder made me think for a bit because the characteristics are much like BPII, and maybe I really don't need all these meds. I did have a lot of physical stuff going on though before taking these meds, and I have a family history of depression/suicide, but the Cyclothymic profile was quite accurate, especially the childhood part.
Anyway, I am feeling really miserable because I don't want to be the way I am, but I can't help the way I feel. I never initiate friendships because I am so afraid of rejection. I could never get that "gal pals" thing right, and who would want to be friends with me anyway, because of this horrid (BP) condition. My very last friend from a former job now is doing the email arms-length distancing thing, you know, I write an email to her and she basically cut/paste the same thing back.
I have a very good psychologist I've just started seeing...the time is so short, and I've been working on some workplace issues. Just wanted to know if anyone out there has any ideas about these Dx's or are they sort of on the back burner since the advent of cocktail therapy with AD's, Mood Stabilisers, SSRI's and the newer benzos for SAD and GAD?
Thanks very much :-)
Rose
poster:Saltmarsh Rose
thread:237722
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030529/msgs/237722.html