Posted by fallsfall on March 11, 2004, at 8:27:45
In reply to In a Quandary (disjointed grumbling), posted by mair on March 10, 2004, at 22:15:26
Mair,
*** You say some very interesting things. I know from your past posts that you are an insightful patient. Can I tell you what I hear you saying? (Well, I'm going to tell you anyway, but you don't have to listen...) 8^)
> I'm quickly coming to the conclusion that therapy is starting to cause more distress than it's worth.
>So I feel my T and I are working at cross purposes.***OK. So therapy is distressing to you right now. You don't have a feeling of accomplishment. Every session feels like a conflict. You are right, this doesn't sound productive or fun.
>It's not so much that we're talking about painful things as it is that there is an ever widening gulf between what I say and what I want to say. Sometimes I avoid things and sometimes I talk about things without even beginning to reveal my depth of feeling about them.
>And really this resistance just makes me feel worse about myself - like I'm a failure at therapy.*** This is where you describe what the problem is. The problem is that you know that there are important things that you aren't discussing. And you know that therapy can't be particularly helpful when you hide your emotions from your therapist. So since you know that you aren't being open and really "there" in the sessions, you know that you aren't quite holding up your end of the bargain. And that makes you feel guilty. So, when you realize you aren't doing the right thing in therapy you feel like a failure. It really stinks to feel like a failure. I certainly understand why you are unhappy with the process at this point.
> I'm thinking i should quit before things get worse.
*** So here is your solution. If you quit therapy then you don't have to worry about not being honest with your therapist - because you won't be talking to her. So you wouldn't be failing therapy because you wouldn't be DOING therapy.
>My thought is that I do myself no favors by continually putting myself under my own personal microscope. I think self-criticism has become a way of life for me and I might fare far better if I find a way to stop thinking about myself - therapy is definitely not conducive to distancing you from yourself.
*** But here is where it starts to get really interesting. You are a failure in therapy because you aren't discussing your emotions with your therapist - you are glossing over things, making it look like things are better than they really are. Somehow, this doesn't sound like putting your life under a microscope. You say that you WANT to distance yourself from yourself. Isn't that what you are effectively doing right now? And isn't that exactly what is making you feel like a failure? So why would the same action - distancing yourself from yourself - both make you feel good (because you stated that this is a goal of yours) and a failure at the same time?
*** But then you tell us a little more about yourself so that we can understand your conflict better:
>
> The problem is that my T is far more committed to my future than I am. I've told her too many times thatI HAVE THIS HUGE FEAR ABOUT TERMINATING THERAPY PREMATURELY (capitals are mine)
because I'm afraid I'll rapidly go downhill and because I'll take it as evidence that I've given up on myself and that she's given up on me. She's told me repeatedly that she would go to great lengths to keep me in therapy.
*** So you have a "huge fear" about terminating prematurely. You are afraid that you will end therapy before your work is finished. Is your work finished? You've just told us how you are avoiding the real work...
>But I think I've exagerated the risks - quitting therapy doesn't have to be as much giving up on myself as it is
RECOGNIZING THAT I'M JUST NOT CAPABLE OF OPENING UP ENOUGH TO MAKE THE PROCESS WORK,
at least any more than it already has.
*** So, the reason that you are a failure in therapy is because you are flawed, broken. For some reason, I'm not convinced that this is true. You opened up to US... Why do you think that you are "NOT CAPABLE"? Have you been more open in the past? It sounds like you must have been, or you wouldn't have this clear an idea of what is going wrong. So, you ARE capable - you've done it before.
>So although I think she knows that I'm not going to get anywhere (or at least has serious doubts), I don't think she'll see that a decision to quit doesn't have to be a negative.
*** Here you try to make sure that we understand that you are flawed and broken. Why would you think that she "knows" that you won't get "anywhere"? Has she told you that she expects no further improvement? Has she given you a reason why she thinks that this is the best you will ever get? Are you sure that you are not projecting your feelings of hopelessness on to her?
>
> I'm sure this makes little sense - I just needed to try to verbalize some of what I've been thinking.*** Actually, Mair. It makes a lot of sense to me. It sounds like you are having a really hard time being open right now, and that this makes you think you are a failure and that you'll never get any better - so why don't you just give up? But at the same time, you really have expressed yourself openly and with honesty here. Can I suggest another plan of attack?
*** Since the pain from your therapy seems to be coming from your feeling of failure, maybe you can address the root of that, instead of walking away.
*** WHY are you avoiding the hard issues? WHY are you only talking about the surface? WHY won't you let her know what is really going on?
*** What would happen if you walked into your next session and told her that you feel like you are being very resistant, and that makes you feel like a failure and like therapy isn't going to get anywhere. Maybe the two of you could come up with some ideas on what you are trying to avoid, and how you can conquer the resistance.
*** (Going out on a limb - this could be completely wrong, so feel free to tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. Perhaps you are afraid that you WON'T ever get better, that therapy CAN'T fix you. If you quit now, then you will never be in a position to know if that is true or not. Having it be proven true is what you fear - that there is no hope for you. By quitting, however, you are *guaranteeing* that therapy won't be able to help you. And shutting the door to the possibility that you could get better (which, if you are like me, is also a terrifying possibility).)
*** Therapy IS hard and painful work. But I have had a few (but enough) tastes of success so that I believe that the pain to get there will be worth it in the end.
With affection,
Falls.
poster:fallsfall
thread:323114
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040308/msgs/323176.html